Toxic | Leila & Christian

Chapter 19: Rebreak

August 28, 2011

Christian's Pov;

In the waiting room of Dr.Flynn's office, there is a lovely new painting on the wall. It wasn't here when I came in for my last appointment. I take the time to admire it as I wait for his appointment with the client who came in before me to end. It's dark and gloomy looking, a huge contrast to the other paintings he keeps out here. It's done in purple and deep blue hues and on a small canvas. It looks familiar somehow. I wonder if there are others by the same artist that I might've seen. "Mr.Grey." The secretary at the front desk calls my name and I direct my attention towards her. She motions for me to go ahead and enter Flynn's office, so I get up and walk into his office. The doctor greets me as I walk in and we have a brief conversation about abstract things as I take my seat. "I know how much you love topic avoidance, Christian, but you came into my office for a reason." Flynn says, giving me a stern look. "Not in the mood for small talk, John?" I ask, annoyed by the condescension in his words. "Just trying to save you some money by getting to the point." He shrugs, knowing he's getting on my last nerve. "Fine. I'm here to talk about Leila. Can you give me an update on her condition?" I know she's in the best care possible, but that doesn't stop me from worrying. "She's doing fine, Christian. Better every day." That's all he's going to give me? That she's fine? I stare at him, waiting for more information. "You know I can't disclose private information about her mental state. Instead of talking about how Leila herself is feeling, I think it's time we talk about how you're feeling about Leila." How do I feel about Leila? That's a loaded question. One that opens up boxes of emotion buried deep in my brain that I never wanted to have to let out. "I'm worried about her. You know that." He nods. I think I've made that particular aspect of my feelings for her very clear. "You care about her." He states. "Yes." I care for her a lot. More than any of my previous submissives. "You love her." I grit my teeth, unsettled by his choice of words. "Yes." I admit, my voice barely a whisper. "But?" He questions, urging me to go on. "But I'm not in love with her." I say, my voice hollow, filled with regret. "I think you should tell her that. I know you've been visiting her. She's very grateful for your visits. She thinks they're a good sign that you'll want to continue your relationship when she gets out. But you and I both know that's not going to happen. There's no reason to keep leading her on. It's not helping her condition." I knew my visits with her might give her false hope, but I couldn't stay away. "Won't telling her that now just make her worse?" I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have. She's emotionally fragile enough as it is and I don't want to demolish the progress she's made thus far. "It could. But sometimes you have to rebreak a bone before it can heal properly." I don't want to break Leila's heart. That's the last thing I want, but I know he's right. I have to stop being selfish with her if I ever want her to heal.

On my way out of Dr.Flynn's office, my cell rings in my pocket. I check the caller id and see that it's my mother calling to check up on me as she's done every day for the last four days since I told her about everything that happened between Leila and I. I answer her call as I get into the car with Taylor. "Leila." I say to Taylor so he knows to take me to visit her. He nods in understanding, then I direct my attention back to my phone call. "Hello, mother." I greet her, trying my best to sound happy even though inside I'm filled with anxiety. "Christian. How are you today? How is Leila?" She asks, the motherly concern showing in her voice. "I'm fine. Going to visit Leila now." I want to keep our conversation brief. As much as I appreciate her desire to help me somehow, I've never been a fan of accepting help of any kind. "That's good. You'll update me on everything tomorrow?" She asks. "of course, mother. I"ll call you tomorrow to check in." I calmly reassure her. She's been particularly concerned about how I'm handling the situation with Leila since I told her Leila isn't pregnant as we thought. Thankfully her and my father are the only people aside from Leila and I who knew of the situation, so I don't have to deal with the pressure of explaining all that's gone on to the rest of the family. I end our call as we near the building Leila is staying in, mentally preparing myself for what I'm about to do.

Leila and I sit together in silence. We only have a few more minutes of visiting hours left. It's time I do the one thing I've been avoiding this entire visit. "Leila, I need to talk to you...About what happens when you get out of here." She gazes at me impassively, her eyes void of all emotion. "I want you to get better. I want you to be happy and healthy and whole. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm going to pay for all the medical attention you need, indefinitely. I'll give you the money necessary to get a place to stay after here. I'll even pay for you to attend art school. I want all of your dreams to come true and I want the best for you, always. I love you so much Leila, but we can't be together. I can't come to visit you anymore. I can't be in your life at all. I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you and I'm sorry for the pain I'm causing now by leaving you. But I have to let you go. It's the only way you'll heal." I look into her beautiful bourbon brown eyes, one last time. Then I turn and leave.