Toxic | Leila & Christian

Chapter 13: More

June 22, 2011

Christian's Pov;

Leila looks up at me through her long dark lashes, her expression unreadable. "May I speak?" She asks and I nod. "Of course." I'm curious to see what she has to say. She licks her lips and her eyes dart down to the floor briefly, then back to me. "I really enjoy our time together." She starts, staring up at me with wide eyes. "I do too." I always enjoy my time with her. She's the best sub I've ever had. "I want more. I don't just want to be your submissive, as wonderful as that has been. I want to be your girlfriend, officially. We could go out together and we could spend time with your family. I know they really like me and they want you to be happy. You could be happy with me. I could be your date to all of your family's events like the masquerade. I could stay here permanently, not just weekends. I can make you happy. I can please you everyday. Whatever you want, I want to give it to you. I've fallen in love with you." I'm completely caught off guard by her words. She wants more? Why? I've told her that's not something I can give her. That I'm not capable of love. That I don't want her love. Yet she's offering it to me anyway, asking for mine in return. "Leila..I've told you many times that's not something that I've ever wanted. You've been a good submissive. I love our time together, but I don't love you." I say, eyeing her cautiously. I don't want to hurt her, but I have to. I can't be in a real relationship. I can't handle those sorts of things. I can't even stand to be touched. She knows this. "You know that I don't want anything more than that, a submissive. I'll terminate our contract and I'll find another. Taylor will take you home. You can go get your things." My voice sounds empty, numb, even to my ears. I don't want her to go. That's the last thing I want, but I can't give her what she wants. I can't return her love. "No, I don't want to leave. Please, Master, let me stay. I won't ask for anything more than to be your sub ever again. I promise." One look at her tear stuck face and I find myself almost wanting to cry too. I can't let her go. It's too painful. I don't want to find a new sub. I want her. I want Leila. "Okay, You can stay. I'm done talking. Eat." She nods and follows my command, diverting her attention down to her plate. I know it's wrong to allow her to stay. I should make her go. She said herself she has feelings for me and she knows I'll never return them. Why did it have to come to this? Why can't it stay the way it was in the beginning? It reminds me of a time long ago, when we were sitting right here, having a very different conversation.

Her eyes were ablaze with mischief as she made he chase her around the breakfast bar in the kitchen. She laughed, a happy sound, as I grabbed for her, but failed once again. She evaded my grasp again, slipped right through my fingertips. "Just give me the iPod back, Leila. I'm not asking for a lot." I try to reason with her, but she doesn't listen. It's a game to her, one she loves playing. "No, I'm not finished with it yet." She runs off with it and I chase her down. Finally I catch her, both arms wrapped around her so she can't get away. She squeals with delight as I throw her over my shoulder, iPod in my pocket, and carry her to the playroom.

She lays on the bed in the red room, tied down into place, blindfolded and all. I plug up my iPod to the speakers, ready to begin my relentless torture of her senses, starting by depriving her of hearing in addition to seeing and moving. But when I go to my music library the song I wanted isn't there. In fact none of the songs I added are there. They've all been replaced by Leila's favorites. "What the fuck is this?" I mutter out loud and Leila giggles. I know she's responsible. She took it upon herself to add to my music library when she stole my iPod from me earlier. Now the library is filled with Brittany Spears, Beyoncé, even Lady Gaga. All of Leila's beloved pop artists. No more orchestra music. Not even a piano ballad. Just relentless pop beats and occasional hip hop. Nothing that could be of use to me here. "Now you're really going to get it, Mrs. Williams." I can't help the hint of humor in my voice as I press play on a Brittany spears song and it fills the room.

July 17, 2011

I'm still thinking about our conversation about her feelings for me weeks later. It's been all I can think about. It's concerning to me how she can express her love for me one day and then the next act as if nothing happens and be the perfect submissive she once was. Now that I'm watching her more carefully I start to notice things I didn't realize before. Red flags I hadn't noticed. She's been paying more attention than I ever noticed. She's smarter than I thought, maybe even smarter than me. It's worrying. How she can feel so strongly yet act as if it's nothing. The way she looks at me sometimes it's like there's some hidden thoughts there. Something I can't quite put my finger on. I watch her carefully, but I never get any proof of her doing anything other than being the perfect submissive she's always been. Sometimes I feel as though she's watching me, but when I look she's never there. I get the feeling she's planning something, but I can't tell what.