Her Secrets

Chapter 18 Darkness

       When I woke up the next morning Cassie was no longer beside me, I sigh feeling great full. I get up walking towards the ladder and climbing down to second floor. I walk to the bathroom taking one of our new fluffy towels out of the cabinet. I lock the door turning on the hot water for my shower and slowly undressing myself.
I look at myself in the mirror again. Yep my body is still covered in those scares, bruises, and cuts. What did you expect were ugly and fat. The scars and bruises and cuts just don't make it better my self conscious tells me. But I ignore my thoughts trying to focus on other things. But I looked back at my body; it does look ugly with all those scars, bruises, and cuts dancing across my body.
But it shows that I am a survivor, a warrior, and that I don't go down easily. What warrior your just a wimp. That can fight anyone and save her own ass. But are to weak to save yourself from Gabe. Quite shameful it came again at me. But I ignore my thoughts and continue to focus on other things. Like peace. Even though I wish I would just to be at peace; even if I was dead I could be at peace. But you wouldn't because you'd be leaving them behind said my self conscious and I sighed knowing it's true.
I am just never allowed to be left in peace even if I was dead, I wouldn't be at peace. Because there is so much I have left here to do, and I refuse to abandon those I love and care for. So either way I must live no matter. But what would help you. Is simply dying. No would even miss you my self conscious spoke again to me. "That's a lie" I say to myself out loud shaking my head.
I push any other thoughts about to come to mind and get in the shower. I take a long shower enjoying the feeling of the water running over me. It felt nice, I actually felt at peace with myself this way. Just the way water sounds as it makes contact with my body and the floor. The way the water runs down my body like a river. And the way it feels like another heart beat as it hits my skin.
But all good things must come to an end. I shut the water off getting out of shower, and wrapping myself in a towel. I come to stand in front of the mirror and I wipe the fog away. Standing behind me was my old foe... myself.
Except I or she had changed now she had on black leather pants, a black leather jacket, a black tank top, and black leather ankle boots on. She had Smokey eye shadow on, winged eyeliner, and dark red lipstick on too. She looked hot honestly, in like a bad girl way. "Guess I will always be the better looking than to two of us" She said trying to mess with my head. "Just go away" I say my first clenching my towel tighter to me. "How about no" said my self conscious, bad girl self walked over to the door leaning on it.
"Do you really think they would miss you?" I asks myself and I stare at myself shocked to see this again. I haven't been like this since Jacob died, and it all stopped after I sent Raph away. "You got no reason to live. Raph has everyone else that loves him. Only reason he still loves you is because he hasn't realized how much of a waste you are" My dark self told me. "No" I say not wanting to believe it all "yes. And Axel would leave you again in a heartbeat after all he gots his own family now" she continues on.
"No" I say walking away from the mirror to quickly get dressed to get away from her. "But it's oh so true. And Cody. Ha he'll leave you so fast all Daddy got a to due is take away that bank account" My Dark side continued on to tell me. "No!" I say ok the verge of crying as I run out the bathroom as I hear her laughing at me. I stop in front of a hall mirror to still see her. "You know it's true Blur. After all I am you just as much as you are me" she told me as she disappeared and I took in what she said.
"Maybe it's true" I say "but I will always live for them" I say heading down the stairs now.