To Have Faith

Chapter 20 : Contemplations

The Doctor is an idiot.

He knows this.

He's a coward too.

He ran away from his responsibilities, his duty to his companion, and dare he say it, to his friend.

He only meant to leave for an hour or two at most. Ask the Sisterhood of Karn about Faith's timeline.... The group of immortal women had been close allies of Gallifrey, and now that his home is gone-are the only real credible source of information on time, besides himself.

What he wasn't expecting from them was a prophesy.

'The lost child of faith shall witness the end, and watch the start of a new beginning. The death of an age shall come and they shall witness it all'

What does that even mean? The Doctor still doesn't know... but he does know that it's an ominous sign.

Most prophesies he's heard are, after all. The whole profession is practically based in ominous forebodings and terrible circumstances. It's no wonder the lot are always so gloomy.

But he's lost so much... And in the end, he's still a coward.

There was a time when he wanted to die, many times during, and right after the War. But he doesn't want that now.

He doesn't want to watch his friends die, or to die himself.

So he ran. He dawdled. He stayed away in the hope that if he left Faith with Rose... to their normal lives... lives that he could never have...they could all forget. Live out their days and be happy.

He wouldn't ruin another life so young.

The Doctor is a coward, but he's also selfish.

He stayed away, kept himself in check for so long, met other people, danced through problem after problem with the manic energy of someone trying to forget something too good to be forgotten.

He knew he was spiraling. That the war had torn him up and spit out what was left of his shredded mind and body. Five hundred years in time lock is a long time to be fighting, he hadn't given himself time to heal.

Then the fixed points he kept stumbling on with Faith made it worse. Reminding him, reminding him. Always reminding him.

the War... the people he'd lost.... The people he sentenced to death... the children... his children... his family.

Faith's bright outlook and naïve take on life just made his own depravity that much more obvious in comparison.

He knew he needed to sort himself out before he got them both killed. Urged the prophesy into being all the faster with his brash and desperate thrashing, in his attempt to run from his pain.

He needed to stay away. He should have stayed away forever. Never came back... for her own good.

But...

He missed her.

She was, and is, a bright light in a dark and unforgiving universe, and it draws him like a moth to a flame.

He didn't want to face the prophesy- any prophesy. Those never end well and the prophets are all nosy busybodies who could hang as far as he cares-

but the Tardis urged him back time after time. Constantly reminding him of Faith and constantly chiding him on his behavior.

So he comes back.

And Faith, oh, his little, sweet, funny, too considerate human. She was just as he left her, all those years ago. Too long for the mayfly life of a human, comparatively short for his race... but it feels like the longest millennia of his life. He wanted to run to her, to see her smile and laugh, and just hear her voice again, to talk with her- but no. He couldn't do that. She couldn't know.