ISSUES II outer banks

it's over

"Sometimes leaving is easier than staying."

❥

I was afraid of the pogues noticing that something is wrong so I decided to hide in my room all day. In the evening, I felt the need to do something else and decided to go for a walk on the beach at my safe spot. Usually, no one goes there, especially not in the evening or at night. 

Only Pope, Kie, JJ and John B know that this is my favorite spot when I need to be alone. But ironically, today someone already sits there. I sigh and decide to leave again. With someone else being there, it's not my safe spot anymore. How did other people even find this place?

"Iz?", I hear someone calling my name so I turn around again and look at the person sitting there. "JJ?" "Yeah, it's me. What are you doing here? What happened?" "I was just bored", I lie so I wouldn't have to talk about it.

"Bullshit, you only come here when you're sad. Sit down and tell me", JJ orders me in a friendly and careful way so I do what he says, join him and let my head rest on his shoulder as he's laying his one arm around my upper body.

"I told the others that I wouldn't be there as often", I summarise today in a nicer way. "Iz, look at me", JJ tells me so I do as he asks, "Who did that to you? Tell me." "No one. I was silly thinking I could jump with my skateboard", I lie nervously hoping that he would believe me.

"Iz, I broke it. I broke your skateboard. You were with me and you were upset with me all day long. Don't even try to lie to me. Who did that to you? Was it Rafe? Topper? Kelce? One of these fucking kooks?" "No, no. Neither of them. It doesn't matter, JJ."

"It for sure does", JJ decides vehemently, "Who the hell did it to you? Was it your precious boyfriend?" "JJ", I whisper, "Please don't make me talk about it. I'm begging you."

JJ sighs. I know he would love to freak out and yell that he would kill whoever did that to me. And he would promise me to make sure that no one else will ever be able to hurt me. But for the first time since we're friends, that's a really long time by the way, he listens to me. JJ doesn't shout and he doesn't threaten anyone. He sits next to me, holds me in his arms and comforts me calmly.

"Please promise me that you will break up with him", JJ just speaks under breath, "I need to know that you'll be fine and you'll leave whoever did that." "Promise."

"Hey, why were you even here?", I ask JJ later as we go back to the streets and walk home together. "I don't know", he shrugs acting like nothing'g going on but I know him better than that. "If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. But now it's your time to promise me something, alright?" "Depends on what it is." "If you ever want to talk about it, don't hesitate to call me. I'm here for you, J." 

"Thanks, Izzy. And I'm sorry about yesterday." "For kissing me?" "No", he shakes his head laughing, "I'd never be sorry for that. I mean about making you nervous and telling the others about this boyfriend although I knew you don't want them to know." He'd never be sorry for kissing me? Does that mean something or is he just being JJ? Wait.. why does it even bother me? "It's alright. Soon it will be over then there's no secret anymore."

❥

"Look who's pleasing us with her presence", Topper ‚greets' me as I meet them in the garden once again. Actually, I planned to only meet Rafe but well.. when did I ever see Rafe without Topper except for when we're in his bedroom.. I love Topper as a real good friend. He's feeling this hatred against pogues just like Rafe but Topper is calmer and I judging from how Topper treats Sarah and I, his intentions are really honest. He wants us to be save.

"You missed a really good party at Kelce's but I hope you're doing better", Topper finally welcomes in a normal way and gets up to hug me. Great, Rafe told him I was sick. What a great excuse after what has happened.

"Why are you here? We didn't plan anything, did we?", Rafe asks softly and gives me a short kiss. He's trying to make me feel like it wasn't a big deal. I know that because he's always doing it like so. Whenever he was shouting at me or telling me something is my fault, he realized what he was doing too late. He never understood it in the heat of the moment, only when he saw me crying, running away or staying silent. It's the same again. The way he's hurt me only got worse.

"I wanted to talk to you." "Sure, talk to me." "Alone", I emphasize as he either doesn't understand that I meant it like that or he wants to act like he doesn't understand it so I don't say anything about it. He's not dumb. Rafe is definitely not a stupid guy. He knew how to make me feel bad for something. But it's over. And he knows that if he's acting like that, I can also break up with him in front of Topper. It's a risk to him, not to me. I've got nothing to hide anymore.

"Alright", Rafe sighs and stands up turning to the door to the house but I shake my head. "There." I point to the other side of the garden. I'm way too afraid to be alone in a room with Rafe. "Bells." "Now."

"Okay", Rafe nods again and as soon as we stand there he looks at me sadly, "I'm sorry, Bells. I lost control. You know how stressed I am. I didn't mean-" "Maybe you didn't mean to hurt me", I interrupt him, "And I don't mean to hurt you as well. But I can't do this anymore, Rafe. I'm afraid of you. I understand that your dad hurts you but you can't let it out on me. You've got anger issues and always had to control this relationship-"

"Had?" "Yes, ‚had'. I'm breaking up with you", I say clearly but deep inside of me I'm scared of his reaction. Would he hurt me in front of Topper? First, Rafe looks shocked and sad. But he's good at turning his sadness into anger. Then he scoffs. "Fine. I'm glad about it, you know. I wanted to break up with you anyways. I shouldn't be seen with someone who meets up with pogues. I'm better than that."

"Rafe-" "And no, I don't want to stay friends with you. Will you leave now?" "I'm sorry", I still whisper although he's the one who just insulted me. I apologized because I know how much he felt like he needed me. He's hurt and I didn't want to be the reason for it. But maybe he'll get over it and can settle the issues with his dad and someday, we can be friends again. I'm holding onto that.