Clash Of Cultures

18. Focus On You

**Trigger warning: This chapter has references to child abuse**

Salman

I took a deep breath and stepped off the elevator on the 10th floor of the the Midwestern Professional Building in Naperville, a suburb of Chicago. There were plenty of highly rated psychologist in Chicago. But if I was going to do this, it was going to have to be away from my daily life. For that reason, the 45 minute drive to get to this office was worth it for me.

This was the third time I was visiting Dr Wheeler. The first couple of times were just icebreaker sessions. But today we were going to start talking about the real issues.

I had been dreading this day. Reliving those painful memories from my past was not going to be easy. My anxiety got so bad last night that I almost had a drink. It was an 'almost' event, because when I headed to the bar I used to hang out at with my friends I somehow ended up in front of Noor's apartment building. I wasn't even sure how I had gotten there, because her place was in the opposite direction to the bar from my house.

That woman has such a strong hold on my subconscious.

She was on call that night, which I knew because I had seen her and Mark get sign out from the day teams in the resident room. Standing in front of her building reminded of the night I walked her home. I had promised her that I would go to therapy and not use alcohol to numb myself. That memory had been enough to make me turn around and go home.

I have so much to thank her for. 

Maybe one day I should actually tell her that!

"Salman are you ready to meet Dr Wheeler?", the lady who had checked me in asked.

I nodded and followed her to an office in the back of the hallway. As I entered, I saw the couch that Dr Wheeler had said I could lie down on if I had wanted to during my first session. 

"I am not here to talk about my feelings! Please just fix me so I can move on with my life", I had snapped at her. 

I immediately apologized, but that was when we decided to sit across from each other at her desk from then onwards. As I took the seat today she asked if I was ready to get uncomfortable.

"No, but I promised someone that I will go through with this and I have every intention of keeping that promise", I told her honestly. 

There was only one beautifully innocent reason I was here. And that was it!

"Salman, I am going to stop you right there for a second. Are you going through these sessions for yourself or for someone else?", Dr Wheeler asked, looking at me intently.

If I was going to be honest with myself, I was doing it so I didn't mess up my relationship with the one person I truly cared about. But I knew that was the wrong answer, so instead I said, "For me..."

Dr Wheeler probably saw right through that lie, because she followed with, "Salman, for now, you have to focus on you, and only you. It's the same as putting your own mask on in a plane before helping your neighbor"

I nodded. My situation wasn't quite like the analogy she had used, because so far Noor was the one helping me put my mask on. And she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. But I understood what Dr Wheeler was trying to say.

I have to do this for myself, not anyone else...Got it!

"Ok. So where do I start?"

"Start from the beginning...what was your childhood like?"