Clash Of Cultures

24. Instant regret

Salman

I had instantly regretted stepping out of that supply room. I should have gone back in and dried her tears and apologized, or at least told her the real reason I had followed her into the parking lot. But my stubborn self had decided to shutdown, putting up the walls I knew were my mind's defense mechanism. Even though in the process they alienated those around me.

Noor had seemed so hurt when she came out of that room, I could hear it in her voice even without looking at her. But selfish or not, at that time I needed to focus on my own trauma. The silent darkness in the car, the gun's cold barrel on my temple, sweat pouring down my forehead and the young boy's limp head in my lap were still fresh memories.

I had pushed them aside when I was in the trauma bay helping the ER team stabilize our patient, but they had come flooding back when I sat down in front of the computer. If I was normal person, I would have vocalized all my feelings to Noor when she sat down next to me. And knowing her, she would have listened quietly and comforted me, and I would have told her how much I cared for her.

But none of that happened. Instead, I messed up...again.

I had gone to the fair to tell her I was falling in love with her. Instead I told her that I was done with her...that I didn't need her.

What is the hell is wrong with me?

That evening I had started to type out an apology text to Noor so many times. But each time I deleted it. She probably hated me at the moment, and no words could justify how I had reacted to her simply being concerned about my wellbeing.

The next day details of my abduction were reported by all the major local news outlets. Several reporters had already called my cellphone directly asking to interview me. However, CPD had asked that I refrain from talking to anyone who was not directly involved in this incident, since it may compromise their active investigation. That left only one person, and I had already burned all my bridges with her.

So I called Dr Wheeler who agreed to see me, even though we were not supposed to have a session that day. By the time I reached her office my anxiety was through the roof.

"Salman! Oh my God, what an awful experience to go through....how are you doing physically?"

I reassured her that physically I was left unharmed, however, mentally I still couldn't get the images of what had happened out of my head. Dr Wheeler and I had built a good rapport over the recent sessions and so I told her everything, including Noor being in the parking lot, my abduction and eventual return and then how my anger had exploded at Noor again. The more I talked the more I wasn't sure if I felt worse about the actual abduction or the way I had reacted to Noor.

"Salman, I'll be honest. These sessions are not meant to be for relationship advice. But let's unpack how you felt about the situation you were put in. What was going through your mind when you were in the parking lot?"

"I was scared, more for her than for me. I kept thinking that I would kill them, if one of them dared to touch her, and then she stupidly offered to go with them!" I recalled, feeling the anger build up inside me.

"I mean, if they had taken her I literally would have killed them...or died in the process. I don't really care about myself"

The image of her slim frame standing in front of those men, her back against the bus was something I had thought about all night. That, and what those men might have done to her because she was a woman. I shook my head trying to get rid of that thought. She was ok, I told myself, her honor and purity intact.

That is why I would have given up my life up for that woman, because right now she was the only reason my life had any meaning at all.