Clash Of Cultures

36. With All Due Respect

Salman

I shut the study guide and tried to close my eyes to get some sleep. Of course the first image that came to my mind was of her sitting in front of me as she reached out to touch my face. My heart had skipped several beats when she said "I wish...I could take your pain away". I didn't think that I could want her anymore than I already did, but when I looked at her then, the jarring reality of my situation became all the more clear. I knew she cared about me, I wasn't blind. But she had still chosen someone else to spend her life with.

And so I had spent the last couple of hours going through different emotional cycles. There was the love that I felt for her, which had only grown in magnitude the more I tried to stay away from her. There was anger, at her for not giving me...us...a chance. Followed by guilt, since it really was my actions that had pushed her away and I knew that blaming her was unfair. Then anger again at myself and the people who raised me for turning me into who I was. Which then reminded me of where I would likely have been if it wasn't for Noor...the woman I would never have, and so there was that heartbreaking love again.

To top it all the nurses kept coming in to the room to check up on Mustafa every hour, or the alarms of the machines he was hooked up to would go off randomly. It made me realize just how insanely difficult it was for family members of those children who required prolonged hospitalization to get any decent amount of sleep at all. I looked at my watch, it was 5 am, only one hour left till Noor and her senior resident would be coming by on their morning pre-rounds.

I must have fallen asleep despite all that, because when I woke up again it was almost 9 am and Sara was already hovering over her son.

"Hey sleepy head!", she looked over at me when I got up from the sleeper sofa, "Late night?"

"Yeah...no thanks to you!"

She smirked at me, "I take it you managed to have a chat with our intern friend! Did you tell her you are in love with her?"

"Of course not! I told her about growing up and our parents and that was it. You really need to give it up Sara. Please, I am begging you....stop trying to play matchmaker"

I was still pissed at her for the stunt she had pulled, even if it had resulted in me finally telling Noor what I should have told her a long time ago. Yet, somehow I had felt worse now than I had before I had spilled my guts out.

"What is wrong with you Salman? She adores you. How do you not see that? If she knew how you felt..."

"I know she cares about me, maybe even 'adores' me...but not enough to prevent her from getting married to someone else, right?", I shot back at her.

Thankfully the nurses were out of the room right now and couldn't see me pacing around.

Before Sara could say anything, I continued, "She doesn't trust me, and you know what? She is probably right not to. Because all I do is take from her...her empathy and kindness, and only give her grief in return"

Even last night she had given me a chance to unburden my past, and I had taken it without considering how it may affect her. I knew her well enough to know that she would have spent the night going over everything I had told her and feeling sad for me.

It had not even occurred to me to ask her how she was doing, professionally or personally. I had no clue how her fiancé was, or if she was happy. Perhaps she was even in love with him now. He sounded like a good match for her. But did I know any of that? Of course not...I was too busy making everything about myself!

"Salman, that's what couples do. They support each other through stuff like this. Sure, maybe she hasn't needed you in that way yet, but when she does I know you'll step up"