Mending Broken Hearts

6. The Unexpected

September 2019

Omar

It was towards the end of September but our medical ICU was already filled with patients admitted for respiratory issues, thanks to an early flu season that had hit our region. The of-th-chart census of our ICU though meant that whatever awkwardness happened between Madi and me was swiftly forgotten. 

We were back to being the uber-competent senior resident, and the ever-eager-to-learn intern. That was a very comfortable space to be in, and one that I had no intention of stepping out of ever again. 

Sleep deprived with a protein bar in hand I walked in to the hospital at 6:30 am and coincidentally ran into Madi at the entrance of the hospital. With a large coffee mug in her hand and despite her eyes still hidden behind sun glasses, I could tell she was frowning at her phone. 

"Everything ok?", I asked her, ready to tell her exactly what I thought of her douchebag fiancé if he had upset her again.  

But she just said, "Its nothing. I was trying to reach a friend and she isn't picking up", and put her phone away before giving me an update on the patient in 1502 who I had intubated yesterday. And that reminded me of something I had wondered all of this month. 

"Madi, how do you remain so calm in a high stakes situation? Even the attendings sometimes get flustered. But you are just laser focused, doing what needs to be done. I mean, it is really impressive"

Maybe I saw her cheeks flush a bit, or maybe it was the lighting in the elevator that we had just gotten into, but I ignored all that. Just focusing on her words instead. I was just her intern. 

"Well, for one I've had a poster of the poem 'If' by Rudyard Kipling up on my bedroom wall ever since I was a teen. Look it up when you get a chance, you'll know why I like to recite it in my head when things are going south, especially the first stanza. And secondly, my mom taught us to be like ducks", she said with a smile.

I made a mental note to look up that poem, and figure out what the heck a 'stanza' was. But I had expected her to explain that duck part more. Instead, she stopped talking and went back to sipping on her coffee. So I said the first thing that popped in my head.

"That's weird, I have never heard you quack before"

She burst out laughing, almost choking on her coffee, surprising me. I quickly gave her a napkin from my backpack and apologized, "I uh - I am sorry, I didn't mean to make you choke. But I am genuinely curious how and why your mom taught you to be like a duck"

She doubled over with laughter for a few more seconds, but eventually caught her breath enough to answer my question.

"Omar, gosh - you are better at waking me up than any coffee", she chuckled and wiped her eyes before continuing. 

"What I meant to say was that she taught us to be calm and unruffled on the surface, even as your mind is thinking through a hundred scenarios at the same time. Kind of like how a duck looks so calm above the surface and glides smoothly across the water, all the while paddling like crazy below the surface"

I looked at her, took in her sparkling eyes, and simply nodded.

We had reached the resident's room by now. She put her bag down, and sat on a nearby workstation. I should have followed her and done the same. Any other intern would have. 

Yet, I could  only stand still. Enchanted by her lips that had molded into a joyful smile and the sweet-sounding melody she hummed while typing on the keyboard. I had no idea whether it was a song that she sang or a tune she had just made up. All I knew was that it seemed to come straight from within her.