My Journal

Almost dying dedicated to my momma

Jackie Renea Cook Andrews
           March 21, 1950
           April 24, 2022
The song everything I need by Skylar Grey is dedicated to my momma, because in away it's the way my daddy and my sister treated me and momma always told me everything happens for a a reason, her Father use to tell me the same thing when I was little too. I owe my momma's side of the family Alot, because they treated me like I was always supposed to be treated because of my disabilities. Not how others treated me. Even my momma best friend Linda Jones. Still now she is my second mother. She and my uncle Willis always keep an eye on me even if it's to say hi or I love you. Uncle Willis my momma younger brother could be a silly gif in a message. I appreciate and love them both for what they do for me.

Well I have Alot to say. Ptsd
(Post traumatic stress disorder) and night terrors took a very big toll on my life especially the early morning of July 5th of this year.

I had been going on 4 nights of not sleeping because of the night terrors of my momma. But before I get to far ahead let me explain what led up to what happened.

On April 24, 2022 my momma die. My momma best friend messaged me that Monday and told me she was in the hospital and was not responding and in a coma. Nothing helping her breath.

It wasn't my father or my sister that contacted me it was her best friend. That hurt me the most.

I had my sister face time me with my mom because they owed me that much and she did. So I got to tell her I love her and I missed her.

She looked so peaceful there just laying there. It hurt to see her like that.

Then on April 24th I get a message from my sister that she finally passed. All I could do is scream out for my momma.

My best friends and husband tried to get me to calm down and they had a hard time to.

Hell my service dog Koda even had a hard time calming me down that day.

It was the roughest first two weeks I went through. Then not even a month later her brother died and it about hit me just as hard.

I was thinking at this time, who else am I going to lose. I finally was able to get the necklace with her ashes in it and was able to hold a memorial for her.

Then I got a tattoo in her honor.

Cardinal were her favorite bird.

Then on June 15th I had my surgery on my foot, ankle and lower leg.

Everything came out good except I was still having night terrors about my momma dying.

So when it got about 4 days before July 5th I wasn't sleeping. But in the early morning some time I blacked out and I woke up really early to go to my check up for the specialist.

I knew something was wrong . I felt really drugged up or something. I didn't know what was going on until 7:30 p.m. that night.

I opened my pain meds and I found I had took over a half a bottle of them. I open my sleeping pills and found out I took over 1/4 of it. Also took 1/4 bottle of an anti depression pills.

I had slowly sat down on the bed and all I could do is cry at what I did when I blacked out.

Yeah I've tried suicide a few times in my past. But to do it when you black out and don't know you did it is totally different.

It scared the hell out of me. I could of die, but I didn't. I do believe my momma was looking out for me, that is for sure.

After a few days I snapped out of what ever I was in and I took control of my life back.

I started writing again. I started excercising again. Because being over weight is  not me at all. Yesterday I took and joined a gym and on Monday I start with a trainer to start losing weight.

Today I color my hair. I curled my hair and did my makeup. I still won't do the makeup or curl my hair all the time because I am a tom boy.

This is me take it or leave it!