MADMAN'S HAVEN

5

With every passing hour during the continuous day, my realization grew stronger with the facts about Brandon and Joseph.

My hesitant self began to loosen up as I pictured Brandon as less evil with every minute. Once again, there was a reason to why he did what he did.

I recognized every feeling of sympathy. The explanation didn't justify anything, but still, there was a reason behind it that made it easier for any outstanding to understand what was going on inside the psycho-killer's head.

There was no pity. I refused to synchronize with Brandon in any possible way. But deep inside of me, after what Brandon told me about his past, and after witnessing every expression in his face turn into genuine sorrow and affliction as he mentioned his family, I realized that I was not detached from the murder anymore.

Joseph deserved it.

He wasn't a man worthy of life, not after what he did to those poor children and their mother. Not after destroying another human being, the one that he left with life, but with nothing left to live for. A young boy, with so much more to give to the world. He left him alone in the deepest sorrow, he left him alone in this enormous and dangerous world without enough experience to handle it by himself, which only turned into misery and loss of comprehension.

What Brandon did was brutally psychotic and so legally wrong, but there was a very elucidatory reason behind it which was so much easier for me to understand in this state.

I knew all along that he was sick and weak, and I also knew for what reasons, and that was because he told me himself. He never shared anything about himself or his past with any other prison or hospital staff, which was just another reason for me to give him my promise of never leaving him.

He made progress in the plan of treatment and so did I.

I knew how to handle him, even if I got so emotionally attached to the man.

He was manipulative, and he made me so furiously frustrated with his rudeness, but when his weakness took over and forced him to share himself with me, I was too weak not to completely fall for the mystery that he was.

With surprise, I realized how my thoughts of Brandon got replaced with tender and grievous memories from the horrifying and so detestable imaginations of him. My heart raced with another rhythm than hatred, instead, this was a pace of affection and regrets.

The feeling was unusual and unpleasant, but it felt so much better than the nauseous anxiety that usually filled my body every time he showed up in my mind.

I was so confused with emotion, was this actually helping me with forgiveness and liberation?

I sucked the blood from my ragged bitten cuticle as I stared into the white wall in front of me in the elevator. The frail light from the blue bulb was tragic with the cold darkness and the shaking machinery made me feel claustrophobic.

The memory lane flashed with pictures inside of my head like rough lightning, and I could almost feel the presence of Brandon and his dangerously glorious appearance.

His soft lips grazed my ear as he spoke the words of previous sentences that he once shared with me.

"I want to show you that you can trust me, Beverly,"

"I just know that I need you,"

"You know I can't be without you for too long,"

"Don't leave me again,"

An arrow of guilt pierced my heart as the voice went through my ears to traverse into my brain.

I broke a promise with a person who was so aware of honesty.

In the moment when he needed me the most, I broke the only promise I ever made and left him...

I got released from the guilt as my body replaced the attention and focused on the interruption of the common voice speaking again.

"The way I feel when I'm without you, Beverly is unexplainable. But when you're gone, I'm gone,"

"You know that I need you, you've always known,"

A burning tear pushed through to fall down my blushed cheek.

The whole world let this man down, and I was the only one left who managed to help him with keeping his hope up in humanity.

And then, I let him down as well and left him as the monster the world depicted him to be.

He deserved better, even after what he did. No one deserved misery because of committed actions, that was my quote of life. Everyone deserved help, no matter how sick or mentally psychotic a person was.

The recognition of my true opinion of values had me frightened with recall when another memory of words disturbed my mind.

"Do you smoke, Beverly?"

I remembered how the determined, dominant voice of rudeness had me ashamed with exposure as my innocent self was busted with culpability.

The imagination of Brandon's derisive grin brought me to attraction. His sharp jawline revealed his masculinity and his dimple smile glorified his already perfect appearance of physics.

The butterflies tingled my belly as the thoughts turned into memories of strong sexual desire.

"I just can't stop imagining your naked body against mine,"

"I need you right now, Beverly,"

"I want you so bad,"

The torturous ache reached my ovaries and filled my body with lust for the forbidden.

No matter how much I hated the man, there was nothing that could change the way he once took care of me.

His big warm hands and how they caressed my whole body were something extraordinary. They could bring me into the greatest pleasure with just a slight touch.

His muscular body and every physical movement brought me into the beautiful rhythm and made it so hard for me to resist the invitation to dance. The rolling motions of his hips rocked my body with such a cadence as we laid, there was no comparison to be made.

No man ever made me feel the same amount of pleasure as he did.

The softness of the cold, plump lips felt like an adventure with every kiss, and with the way he so softly whispered into my ear as his lips embraced my delicate ear, he knew exactly how to bring me into the heaviest arousal.

The intriguing intimacy that we shared, was like no other, and we both knew it. But I was the one who left, broke a promise, and made an attempt to move on with the help of hatred and disgust...

My stomach knotted as the notion turned into another rough memory of distressful words. But this time, the words didn't hurt me in an aversive way.

This time, it hurt me in a heartbreaking and disappointing way of not realizing sooner...