MADMAN'S HAVEN

51

Brandon Barlowe

In my previous life, I felt love. It was a very familiar feeling for me. I loved the people around me. My mother, my siblings, my close friends from school. I was also feeling loved by them. I was aware my mother loved me back as well as my little brother and sister and my friends. But all of that would change as a certain beast decided to shatter all our lives apart and that feeling was instantly left into the unknown because of him.

I never thought I would even sense a glimpse of that feeling ever again. But it seemed, almost ten years after that feeling vanished my world, a certain blonde angel would step into it without warning, and turn my whole existence upside down with her magical way of being.

She reminded me. She brought it back. That feeling. Slowly but so clearly. But I refused it at first.

Our journey had been so short, still so much appeared to happen every time our roads crossed. She taught me how to find my repressed emotions, and not only with her genuine profession. She brought them forward for me only by exposing her spirit in my nearness.

She only had to be in the same room as me to keep my heart red and beating and avoid it from turning back into that black stone that had been present for as long as I could remember. She only had to glance at me with her golden eyes to make me remember what the world could look like in a life of brightness.

At first I was mad. Mad at her for making me feel things I shouldn't be able to. Things I wasn't allowed to feel. I could never have her and I knew it. It frustrated me. I was trying so hard to preserve my seclusion behaviour and keep my distance from any other nurse or patient in the institution since I knew it was better for them all not to gather with a monster. I didn't want to interact with anybody, not cooperate or put my trust into anyone else's hands, too afraid that my deeply hidden emotions would obtrude up the surface and fool me into a trap.

And then they did. No matter how hard I tried to hold back. Those feelings arrived, and I was furious. They were too unrealistic to ever act out on and that was the worst of my realization. So instead I turned against her. Tried to force her away and have her terrified of me even if that was the last thing I wanted.

But then, something illusive happened. Something that only appeared in fairytales.

There was a spark. A tiny spark in her eyes that she tried so hard to hide away. But I caught it, unintentionally, and my whole world was set on fire.

I knew from the beginning that I loved her. And what was making me so mad was that I knew that I would never be loved back. Not by anyone. Not by her. No one could ever love me again. No one could ever make me feel loved again. That was why I erased those feelings from myself years ago.

But then there was that spark. And a flicker of hope suddenly awakened my whole existence.

I fought for her. She fought for me. The two of us were bound all of a sudden, having that in common. We fueled each other without wanting to admit it.

At first there was a game, a game of rudeness played just to keep a distance from each other. But our magnetic forces were inevitable and we both knew it inside. There was nothing we could do about it more than allow our bodies to finally connect and commit to the profound bond we shared. It didn't matter how forbidden it was.

The devotion ruled over us. As much I made her feel, she made me feel... and there it suddenly was, appearing right in front of me.