Meant to be yours. Steve Harrington x Eddie Munson

Chapter 18- teenage angst

Trigger warning- suicidal/depressive thoughts
Eddie POV

When I leave Steve's place I just get in my car and drive to a random park and just sit there. Did I seriously just fuck up the one good thing in my life over a fucking cigarette? What is wrong with me?!

I'll never get him back, I'll never find anyone, he was the only one that actually loved me and now he's gone and he hates me. Like Jesus why didn't I just agree not to smoke?

Im such a fucking idiot; and he just said he loves me as well?! What the fuck?! Ugh I hate myself so much I wish I was never born.

Everything hurts, physically and mentally and I just want to curl up in a ball and die, and honestly I don't really see a reason why I shouldn't. I've passed high school, that was my only real goal in life, my uncle hates me, I left the only person that every thought of me as more then a psychotic freak and to be honest I kinda owe death after I didn't die from the demogorgan.

Things would be so much better if I just wasn't here. Mike and Dustin could take over hellfire, they'd be great at that, Steve could finally fucking relax, he never relaxes, when he was in hospital with me he was tense and anxious the whole time, without me he could just live his life. And Wayne would be able to afford a house, he wouldn't have to provide for two people and he could sell all my stuff and get a small place like he always wanted. It's seeming more and more like things would go better for others if I wasn't In their life.

But then I think about how Steve would react if I did die.. he would be upset, well if he actually does love me he would be upset, he would probably blame himself cuz he always does that, I don't want him to feel responsible for something like that cuz he's not and he never could be, I mean honestly it I think he saved me and he's why I'm still here, he makes me want to keep living and keep trying cuz I know how hard he tries for everyone else, it makes me wanna do the same.

While I'm thinking through all this I hear the walky talky in my back seat. I sigh and rest over and grab it, which makes my wounds feel like someone just tore them open and lit it on fire, I really need to take my medication. "Eddie? Eddie are you there?" Dustin says

"Yeah I'm here, what do you want kid?" I lean back against the seat and wait for him to reply

"Just wanted to ask if you're ok.. steve kinda told me what happened" great.

" I'm sitting in my car In a random park with absolutely no motivation or reason to move or live, so yeah, I'm doing great" i reply sarcastically.

"I'm not sure how I can help.. but if you want we can have a hellfire session tonight to get your mind off things.. I know you already planned one while you were in hospital" he replies

I love this butthead, he's always trying to help, even if he is a prick sometimes "yeah.. yeah ok we can do that, can you get everyone together to start at 6?"

"Of course, see you then" I chuck the Walky back in the car seat. Hellfire can be my distraction.. that can help me through this I guess. I drive back home, I hope Wayne has gone to work but I don't think he has.

I get out of the car and walk, we'll limp a little cuz any painkillers that were in my system have completely worn off and moving is hell. I make my way inside and grab my medication and put it on a bag with a bottle of water. I grab my DnD stuff and a few clothes then start leaving, before I can though I hear Wayne "Eddie where the fuck have you been? And where are you going?"

"Literally anywhere you're not gonna be" i reply and go out to my car and chuck my stuff in then get in myself, when I see Wayne come out of the trailer I flip him off and drive away. I pull over after a bit and take some of my medication. It'll take a bit to kick in but I can hold out until then