Can't Save Me

Madeline

"Maddie?"

My eyes snapped up from my hands and landed on Grant standing in the doorway of my bedroom. We'd been staying at my mom's since I'd gotten out of the hospital just over a week ago. As much as I knew it would be a lot more comfortable (and less crowded) at Grant's house, I couldn't bring myself to go there. Too much had happened. Too much I'd rather forget.

"You okay?" he asked with a worried, furrowed brow. "What's going on?"

I just shook my head and forced an attempt at a reassuring smile. "Nothing. Sorry. Just... zoned out for a bit, I guess."

Grant cocked a suspicious eyebrow at me as he strode into the room, all six-foot-something, hulking inch of him. "You been sittin' there in a towel for about thirty minutes," he stated, the mattress sinking as he took a seat next to me. My body shifted toward him as his weight leaned closer. "What's wrong?"

I just shook my head and looked back to my hands, already feeling the emotion building in my throat but not wanting to let it out. I was home. I was safe. I should feel fine. But I didn't feel fine. I didn't feel fine at all. "Nothing..." I choked out as the tears threatened to spill. "Nothing. I'm okay."

"Maddie," Grant scolded softly, his stone-colored eyes gazing at me as if he could see everything I was hiding. "You don't have to pretend, baby. No one expects you to be fine after what happened."

I shook my head and sniffled as the traitorous tears started to fall. "No. I should be fine. I didn't go through half of what some of those girls did. I have no reason to be upset," I rattled off as my hands began to tremble. "I wasn't even gone two weeks.  I don't get what's wrong with me."

Grant let out a sigh that sounded way too much like pity as he wrapped one of his thick arms around my back and pulled me toward him. "Sweetheart, there is NOTHING wrong with you," he insisted as I refused to meet his eyes. "Anyone would be messed up after what happened. Hell, I'M messed up."

I scoffed. "Not that I've noticed."

"Well then, you haven't been paying attention," Grant insisted, speaking his words directly into the side of my head as he banded me in the safety of his arms. "Every random sound makes me jump to attention. I wake up multiple times every night just to make sure you're still next to me."

I looked up at him with wide, watery eyes. "Really?"

"Really, baby," he nodded with a sad smile. "Trauma doesn't work that way. Just because the threat has passed doesn't mean the fear has." 

"I just get lost in this fog sometimes," I stated, gritting my teeth together in an effort to keep me from really snapping. There was no way it would work, but I wasn't willing to simply let it all out either. "It's like my brain thinks we're still there, and we're still all drugged up and I just sit here and... I don't know what's happening and I can't make it stop and I should be fine!" At this point I was basically shrieking at him, tears streaming down my face. "I don't understand why I can't make it stop! I don't get why I can't just be okay!" 

"Hey, hey, hey," Grant interrupted, scooping me onto his lap and wrapping his arms tightly around me as my whole body trembled and heaved against him. He just held me there, my face buried in the crook of his neck as he softly ran his fingers through my hair, and I sobbed uncontrollably.

Grant rocked me back and forth, whispering soothing words and never once loosening his grip on me. Slowly but surely, my meltdown started to fade, but he kept on rocking, kept on holding me as if it was his only task in life.