Heart of Ice

Chapter Forty-Two.

Song: How can I love the heartbreak, you're the one I love- AKMU

When nighttime falls, I know Hunter will be coming up any minute to come in and lay with me until I fall asleep, but after his requests for how we should be with each other earlier in the day, I don't have the heart or the energy to let him in. So, once I'm ready for bed, I lock the door and tuck myself under the blankets, forcing my eyes shut even though I know sleep won't come easily, if at all.

And I'm right on the money. Two minutes later, the door knob wiggles, and then a soft knock sounds from outside the door. "Alaska, let me in."

I don't respond. He waits a few more minutes before knocking again. "Alaska, I know you're not asleep. Just please open the door."

Another pause, and then more knocks. "Please. You need rest to train and I also don't want you to risk another nightmare."

I'll give it to him, he's persistent. He knocks on the door like he's on a schedule for the next half an hour, but eventually, he gives up. I know he doesn't leave though, because in the silence of my room, I hear him slide down the wall beside my door before blowing out a breath. It's because of his persistence that I know he isn't going anywhere for the night. That makes me feel a little bad, but I remind myself that he's the one who decided he wants nothing more to do with me than to protect me until Demetrius and Bloodbound are no longer a problem. So much for everyone insisting it wasn't just a "duty" to him.

So, I figure I will counteract that guilt by not letting myself get too deep into a sleep so he can't take on my nightmares. Besides, if I'm not going to be letting him in any time soon, I need to learn how to protect myself in dreamland.

But even if I can learn to protect myself, the bigger issue is that I can't fall into a good, thorough sleep without him— at least not with Demetrius still around and breathing. My body has adapted to his comfort, and it's basically ingrained in me that having Hunter around means sleeping well. It's a screwed up economy-- even more screwed up when I think about the possibility of not having him in my life forever. Oh, and if that isn't the icing on the cake-- it means, quite literally, forever in vampire world.

Just as expected, I toss and turn all night, catching maybe a solid ten minutes of sleep. The rest of it is spent closing my eyes and letting my body relax just enough that it's in that hazy pre-sleep phase. Every part of me wants to give in, to just open the door and let him in so I can actually sleep; but that one stubborn part, a.k.a., my strongest part, says I am an independent woman who doesn't need a man, especially not Hunter.

When the sun begins its shadow dance in my room, I know I'm screwed for the day. It feels as if there is a 10 ton weight laying on my body-- that's how tired I feel. I begrudgingly crawl out of bed and throw on my training clothes, stumbling around as I get ready for the day. When I open the door and barge out, I nearly stomp on Hunter's head. I have to admit, I'm shocked he stayed the whole night. As much as I want to be mad at him, the sharp pinch in my heart dissipates that anger in a split second, seeing him curled up on the hard floor outside my door. I want to shake him and scream at him to just be honest with me, with himself, but I can't. I know he won't give in. So, I instead choose to rest my hand softly enough on his shoulder that he won't wake and imagine his bed before transporting him there. At least it alleviates some of the pinching guilt.

When I enter the gym, I find dad sitting on the mat in front of the long stretch of mirrors, reaching out toward his toes. I quietly sit beside him, mimicking his stretch, and it feels really nice to stretch the tiredness out of my body-- or, at least, attempt to. Dad remains quiet as we continue our stretches. I can see he wants to say something, but he's holding back, and I'm still too tired to inquire.