That One Moment...

Chapter 27

Sorry for the month long delay on updating this story. School started back up, right while I was also having to move...the combo just threw me off on everything and my life spiraled a bit. I am going to try to get back on track with more regular updates. Thanks for sticking with me!

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Day 95

It was Friday...finally. This had to be one of the longest weeks of her life. Sarah looked around at her room as she got out of bed. Her parents had just left for work, which meant she could move around without facing them. Her room was a mess, piles everywhere. She felt like it represented what her life felt like right now as well.

Ever since they had gotten back from Florida, her mom and dad had been tense...both with her and each other. Her mom seemed to be pushing at her dad to go to the doctor, but her refused. What did he need a doctor for? He was in perfect health...and he didn't need anyone to question his health choices. Not like he told the doctor how much he drank anyways. Sarah had noticed that the beer gut was larger and "harder" in appearance when her dad donned his swimsuit in Florida. In addition, he just didn't look good. She could understand her mother's concern, but was not going to step into that argument. Sarah had her own issues to deal with.

Life was continuing on, whether she wanted to be a part of it or not. Sarah had attended basketball practice on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The coach pushed them hard after the break. Their first game was next week and Sarah was not ready for it. Games ran for about 3 months. Even though Sarah was not likely to play much in games, she felt totally unprepared. The boys' team had played a few games already during break. Sarah had not realized their seasons were not the same...hadn't even realized Ryan had games yet. That probably didn't bode well for her as a sort-of girlfriend at the time. She had work tonight, so a good excuse not to attend their game tonight. Sarah doubted Abby, et al., would have taken any other excuse from her anyways. Her newfound friends were not letting her disappear back into the background.

Sarah grabbed her school bag and work clothes, heading out to catch the bus. She stopped when she saw a familiar truck in her driveway. Sarah had been riding the bus to school all week, so was a bit surprised by this familiar, yet not, sight. Ryan was waiting in the cab, since the mornings were frigid now. Flurries were falling slightly this morning even. Sarah could sense his eyes on her, waiting for a reaction. 

What would he do if she just ignored his presence and walked to the bus? She was half tempted to. Why was he here? Why today? They had only chatted a few times this week, always instigated by Ryan. Sarah wasn't necessarily ignoring him, just not really going out of her way to engage with him. It still hurt too much. Even after knowing that she wasn't what he really wanted, Sarah felt pulled to him. Better to just try and stay away.

Sighing, Sarah moved towards his truck. The potential of creating more drama that she would have to live with was why she decided in the end to just confront the situation. No one was letting her run and hide, her unintended friend group was not allowing her to wallow in the depths of her feelings. The depression was there, it wouldn't just disappear, but they were acting like a lifeline she had never had before.

Opening the door, she looked at Ryan. "Hi" was all she could manage as she pushed her bags at her feet.

"Good morning Sarah"

"Um...morning. Um...why are you here?" She couldn't keep from asking.

"Straight to the point." Ryan sighed. "Honestly, I lost my internal battle." After a pause as he focused on backing our of her driveway, Ryan continued "I have been missing picking you up in the mornings. I have been keeping myself away and keeping from the old routines we made, but I missed it and I missed you. Even if nothing ever works out between us and you never really want to talk to me or try things again, or listen to me, I don't want to lose you completely."

"I don't know what to say to that."

"That's ok. I don't expect anything."

The truck went silent for a few minutes as they both turned their thoughts inwards. Sarah was trying to keep from crying. It felt so good, so right, to be back in Ryan's truck. She wanted to talk to him, to talk about her worries tied to basketball, what was happening in her house, complain about her entire trip to Florida and her screwed up family...but that closeness she felt had been shattered. Ryan wasn't really interested in her. Sarah had to focus on the pictures she remembered finding on social media, on how she was not what he wanted and that she didn't want to put herself through the emotional rollercoaster again.

"Since I have you trapped here and might never get another chance, based on the series of facial expressions that just flashed across your face...I just wanted to tell you that I know I made poor choices over winter break while I was on vacation, but they are not what you think they are."

Sarah glanced up at him quickly "I don't.." He cut her off quickly.

"I was worried about not being what you wanted, started questioning if I was pushing you too much or if you just weren't really into me. When we met up with my cousins, I started to listen to them bitch about women in general and started drinking with them. They would take me to all kinds of parties and the drinking helped me cope some with not hearing from you and questioning what I did wrong. There were a lot of girls, the same girls most of the time, at these parties and it was nice to feel wanted, to flirt with them while I was drunk. I didn't cross the line from flirting since I considered us together, in whatever fashion I could get, but I did flirt. I went back to my normal party mode and instigated things. Finally, one of the girls took my flirting as an invitation and kissed me. That moment was caught on camera without me knowing. That moment also sobered me up some because I didn't want it. I told her as much and most of the girls there laughed because I had been acting in a totally different manner...whether that meant one thing or another isn't the point. I kind of realized I was spiraling and losing my own control. It was fun and easy, but not what I wanted."

Sarah tried to interject that this wasn't what she wanted to hear, that she really didn't want to hear this on a Friday morning before school...but Ryan wouldn't let her have a second of the talking room. 

"Just wait a second so I can get this all out. I have been thinking through this for over a week, channeling you and the scenarios you go through in your head all the time."

Sarah gasped slightly at this...it was such an intimate detail to add in.

"Yeah. I was thinking about how you think through things, while thinking about how I would tell you things. Very meta." Ryan laughed a bit to himself and then went on. "Around that time my parents sort of caught on that I was struggling and they decided we should take a solo trip inland to San Antonio. They planned a bunch of activities to distract me and get me out of my "Funk" as they called it...which I will have to tell you some other time since we are almost to school. Anyways, I missed your first texts and it was too late by the time I saw them. You had already decided what had happened."

They were pulling into the parking lot as Ryan finished up, "I know that is a lot, so just think about it. I just wanted you to know. Think about it, ask me questions, push me, just don't disappear...whether bodily disappear back to where you were the past two years that I missed you completely or into your head."

Sarah was mute. She had no clue what to say.

"Just lock up when you are ready. I'll see in physics." and he hopped out of the truck...leaving her in silence and a sense of deja vu.