Tolerance Book III

Chapter Twenty-Six: Overload

21st Precinct

Al rolled his eyes. Honestly dealing with Adam at times was akin to dealing with a toddler! He refused to be mollified. It had only taken thirty minutes of paper shuffling before the man had begun pestering the seasoned Detective for answers. Eventually Kevin and Antonio had also abandoned their work and joined in. The moustached man knew his old friend was speaking with Jay about the upcoming case but was reluctant to divulge any information until he had confirmation about how his fellow ex-Sniper had taken the news. This meant he had to withstand various pleas and demands from his teammates so he sincerely hoped the Sergeant would return post haste with an agreeable response.

On his part Adam was now more convinced than ever that something was going on concerning Jay and it bothered him that Al would withhold whatever information he was privy to. Kevin scratched his chin thoughtfully as he went over the vague responses Al had provided to their questioning and like Adam came to the same unwelcome conclusion. There was something going on that related to Jay. Sending Antonio a knowing look he took a different approach as he addressed the older Detective again seeking satisfactory answers.

"Al since it's nearly lunchtime we're going to head over to Jays' place. Figure he could use some company since he hasn't seen us in a while."
"Since when .....," Adam cut in but was quickly silenced by a glare from the Italian-American.
"Not a good idea," Al insisted.
"He'll be glad to see us," Antonio put in with mock innocence.
"So who's buying?" Kevin went to stand up.
"Okay, okay stop!" the older Detective directed in disgust, he knew he was being played but couldn't blame them.
"So what's going on?" Kevin settled back in his chair, relieved their rise had worked.

Jays' Apartment

It occurred to Voight that he should perhaps simply acquiesce to the younger mans' wishes and accept his decision without contesting it. The problem was he knew the Detective too well. Down the line he would feel responsible for any deaths that occurred. Irrespective of that consideration however the Sergeant felt an overwhelming need to protect his Subordinate and he could not do that if they were in different places. On the other hand there was the very real issue of burnout which Jay had eluded to, albeit unintentionally, and Voight was keenly aware of the repercussions of that and over the years had in fact seen the devastating and sometimes life ending outcome for some Officers. Then there was the whole matter of the new investigation. Innocent people were being murdered by someone who needed to be stopped before the death toll rose higher. He sighed internally, for once he had no clear course of action to pursue. His primary concern however was the beleagured man across from him. Everything else came second to his welfare. Deep down the Sergeant had admitted to himself a long time ago that he had paternal feelings towards Jay and now he realized he needed to step into that role in a more tangible way. Not that he would ever broach the subject with his companion. No, as always he would endeavour to protect him without voicing such strong emotions as neither were prone to open displays of affection.

Jay knew the older man was surprised by his refusal but that surprise was not accompanied by disappointment and that told him the Sergeant understood his circumstances. In airing the soul weary declaration that he had had enough he had, for once, acknowledged his vulnerability in front of someone else. Even though he had spoken to Sam on several occasions Jay had never truly allowed his perceived weaknesses to show. Now before the gruff Sergeant he had bared his innermost thoughts and was already thinking of a way to backpedal. Voights' silence only compounded the auburn haired mans' belief that he shouldn't have shared the truth with him. Maybe he should just brush it off and agree to go to New York.

Voight suddenly realized that his silence while he contemplated the tricky situation might be misconstrued and hastily strove to assure his companion.

"Halstead no one, and I mean no one, has the right to ask you to continue in this job if it's after getting too much for you. You've been faced with more death and personal tribulations in this job than most Officers ever encounter in their whole career so the option of walking away makes sense. I can't argue with you on that."
"But?"
"No 'buts'," Voight shook his head, "I'm serious. I've been on this job a lot longer than you and have seen things no one should ever see but you've experienced more than I have. King zeroed in on you for some unknown reason yet you stayed the course no matter what sick game he played. All that would in itself have been enough to handle but you've had to deal with your Old Man and the Petrocelli case as well in a relatively short period of time without any real break."

Jay considered the truth in those words. He had been thrust into situations he didn't want to be in yet that was part of the job so he couldn't complain about that. He had encountered testing times but again it came with the work. He sighed internally. It had surprised him that he disclosed his true feelings to the Sergeant. Sure at times everyone in the stress filled field of employment said they'd had enough but there was no real weight behind it. In this instance however the young man truly meant he had reached the end of his endurance. Admitting that to himself had taken some time but sharing the knowledge with Voight had not been his intention. When he had requested an extra few days off he had hoped to mull over his options after some serious soul seaeching. With the new case requiring attention that option was now off the table. Then there was the fact that he was still dealing with the repercussions of his childhood in addition to wrestling with demons from his time in Afghanistan vying to find daylight. It wasn't that he didn't want to help the new investigation because, selfless as ever, he did. No, his real concern was would he actually be a help rather than a hindrance?

Mollys' Bar

Kelly and Casey sat on stools at the end of the long, dark mahogany counter. Casey had been curious to find out how his friend got on with the Detective when the pair had left Med together. He didn't seek too much information however as he respected the Detectives' privacy.

"So he spent the weekend helping you on the boat?"
"Yep," Kelly nodded as he sipped his beer, "seemed like he needed a distraction."
"You've told me often enough that's why you enjoy taking on those jobs," the fair haired man concurred, "think it helped him?"
"To be honest I'm not sure. He didn't talk much."
"There's a surprise!" Casey stated sarcastically.
"He's definitely a quiet one," the Squad 3 Lieutenant acknowledged.
"Well hopefully whatever is going on with him will get resolved soon."
"Hopefully."

Kelly didn't say it but he was worried about their friend. It was clear there was something serious weighing on his mind and the Firefighter sensed he needed someone to confide in but clearly it had been decided he was not the person of choice so there was little he could do. He had made sure to remind the Detective that he was always welcome at the boatyard or the firehouse if he felt the need for a change of scenery but other than that he couldn't force the issue. Ultimately it was up to Jay when and to whom he would confide in, if he ever did. Kelly feared there was a very real possibility he might never open up but sincerely hoped he was wrong.

Jays' Apartment

Voight had opted to make himself a coffee to give his Host a chance to contemplate his decision. He was not going to place any pressure on the Detective, irrespective of the importance of his place in the Unit or the New York investigation. It had become painstakingly clear that the young man was actively toying with a complete withdrawal from law enforcement but he held his tongue. The decision ultimately had to be Jays, it was his life after all and he was the one who bore the brunt of the consequences when he was targeted by Criminals or headhunted for his skills. If Crowley knew the Sergeant was not advocating for the Detectives' continued employment she would no doubt be quite displeased but that was of little consequence to the blunt man. He had more pressing matters to deal with, like safeguarding the young man he considered another son.

In the living area Jay listened distractedly to his Superior potter around the kitchen while he tried to put his thoughts in order.  The words he had uttered earlier 'I've had enough' reverberated through his mind.  Had he really reached the end of the road and if so how could he abandon his friends and an active investigation?  Sighing he shook his head trying to banish such bleak thoughts but his attempt to do so was doomed to failure.  There was too much at stake for him to walk away.  He knew deep down he really had no choice.  If he walked away and his friends needed him he'd never forgive himself.   The new case would no doubt bring with it more challenges.  He still worried that his skills would not be helpful but if Murphy and Parker wanted his aid he would give it.  He just hoped they would not be disappointed.  He had learnt long ago that attitude was half of the equation in doing a hard job done.  The investigation ahead would no doubt be rife with challenges and he knew he needed to steel himself for the days and weeks ahead.  He may not feel like staying  on the job but right now it was where he was needed and be resolved there and then to push his own issues aside and focus on solving the macabre case by bringing the Murderer to justice.   He just needed to do what he always did, persevere, and once the investigation was dealt with he would consider his options again.

tbc