Borderline Awakening 2024

Broken Hearted Little Girl Boo Hoo

Honestly all I could think of is him. His hair is sent, his skin on mine. I could hear his voice in my ear, his hand wrapped around my waist firmly. I could feel my heart sink into a pit of darkness as there is now a wall between us. I could feel him pull away. My fears drove me to break up with him. What fears you may ask? Fear he will see the real mess that I am. Fear that I will overwhelm him, and he would run away. Guess what? That happened. I said if I walked away and just cut it by the nib, I would eliminate a world of hurt. Guess what again? Did not happen. In fact, I realized I couldn't do it. I needed him. I needed to know he still cared the same way he did yesterday, the day after and I kept needing reassurance. I called him 3 days in a row crying. What is even happening? He is gone now. I did become too much. He had a lot going on and well. I am not that important to him. Or so I feel.

I am desperate to figure this out. I want to know what happened. What was that? What did I feel? Was it real? If so, then is it worth fighting for? What does that mean? 

It is imperative that I find out what is happening. One of my biggest desires in life is to grow and evolve with someone I love and who loves me. The events in my life at this moment begs for single status. I cannot even begin to start with how much I need to be focusing on myself right now. 

I recently came out of a four-year marriage and two months later I met my ex. Relationships oof.

I was so tired and worn out emotionally from this marriage that only resentment remained. I was growing spiritually because it's the only thing that bought me a sense of peace and stability.  My focus was solely on my growth and to do all the things that would naturally regulate me. I would make YouTube videos, Instagram and TikTok videos. I also have a blog and I paint. These things including things like journaling, reading and well the only medication I have which is the Maryjane. These things are me. This is who I am. I have to be this.

Along came this person. This introverted guy who puts his shirt in his pants. Gosh he would do the smallest things and I would just fall for it like he was somewhat of a God. I worshiped at his feet. Just thinking about him gets me horny like I feel so weak. I jumped in with everything. I forgot about my life and started to try and build a new one to try and impress him and still do it for me I told myself. I kept following him like a lost puppy. I still feel like a lost puppy yearning for its master to return home. I feel scared that he will leave. I feel as though he is already gone forever, and I will never be loved by him ever again. This of course is called emotional impermanence. 

Not because I am aware that my perception is off means I know what perception is right. I have to find a balance constantly and it is so exhausting. Why do I have to love like a neurotypical? 

I can't hold a job why the heck am I going out there? I am draining myself trying to find all my happiness outside when all I had to do was just fucking write. Just take back my power and stop crying over a guy who doesn't care if you cry or not. I still am and still will, but I am writing about it so that's still progress. 

How can a borderline successfully make a month of separation from the one they are attached to without any contact? I think I might just go bonkers. The dysregulation I feel within my bones is just so icky. I have been dancing so that helps with getting that extra stuck energy out.

The abandonment wound is pretty sore, and I keep having to hold myself back when I randomly split and want to say the vilest things. I have been very successful at keeping most of it under control. For that I am so damn proud. 

How is it that the traumatized people get the shittiest end of the stick in romance and relationships bro? How is it that those that love the deepest have also got the most screwed perception? The things I think at 1;44am January 7th, 2024.

I don't want to let go of this feeling. I escape into the memories as a way to ease my pain. I cry every day because I want to be next to him. I yearn and I hope he wouldn't leave. But he isn't there, He hasn't been for a while. He went away and I was alone. From everything to nothing I am lost and confused. I keep living in what we had. I keep thinking of him holding me again. If but once more. If but a moment with him. This burning desire why hide it? Why hide the most precious thing I have found? 

Yes, emotion talk. Talk all you want but does that change how he feels about you? Then take that love, know that genuine love and feel it for yourself. 

One way or another I will survive this time apart. I will write about my ups and downs and my mind, intuition and heart of emotion shall be yours to indulge.

I feel very stupid for risking my heart. I am in pieces everyday and keep trying to piece myself together one cracked edge at a time. Where is the love? The support? I have to generate and channel my masculine energies and take action. Feeling pretty good and focused but I am doing it in quite a messy way. 

Process? Progress? All is just Fuck Shit anyway. You choose what you identify with.  You can take back ahold of your life, and I want to do that to prove to myself that I could live an emotionally fulfilling life filled with many deep connections. One day I hope to have a family. A family filled with love, empathy, compassion, respect, understanding and good boundaries. So what if I mess up? I am fucking 24 years old. Is finding and having this impossible? FUCK NO! I will have what I desire. 

One courageous step at a time from being suicidal to being reborn into the new world of thought and experience in the new world. 

Did I mention it gets more complicated? I will be writing about a System I have internally that helps guide me through my emotions, traumas, personality traits and memories. I think that should be quite intriguing. 

I am a curious little bird; I want to know the ins and the outs of my mind and why I think the way I think. How does my perception fail me and why? How can I find a way to perceive the reality that is above the one that is me in my core beliefs? I choose what to believe because I dare not trust my perception in an emotionally charged situation. How often do I get overly emotional? It really depends. 

Because of where I am currently in my life, I have drastic and rapid mood swings. I am okay with that its cool. I did start learning DBT on YouTube from lectures there. Oh, how self-awareness stings. I need therapy because I am the problem. My trauma responses and attachment style are very toxic and unhealthy. 

But... yet... My heart... It yearns for connection. Should I hold back? Am I safe to face whatever he has to say when he is okay again? Will he ever come back? Him...

Strech marks on his shoulders, stubby beard and the yummiest lips ever. How I miss being wrapped up in his sheets. God, I hope he never forgets us. What we shared, why isn't it okay to keep loving? Why am I blocked out? I mean I know why. I am too much... This thought hurts so much... I should've known life is life and gives no fucks. You can love someone with all that you are and still be okay without them.

Commitment is a huge thing for me I think I learned that. I also learned what my attachment style is and about the reality of what I really am to a man's ego. I am a responsibility. Well, I know I am. Someone will take that responsibility and that is ME. I think my trust for men are slowly declining. My heart feels like it's starting to close. I could almost feel the cold dark me coming back. Maybe it is her time? What a good time. 

From the mess of my mind to the screen of your phone that's a broken-hearted borderline.