Borderline Awakening 2024

I want a Family.

Emotions are so amazing. They come and they go. They linger and they dissipate. My last relationship was not a relationship at all. In fact, it was the exact definition of a situationship. Coming out of a marriage that was suffocating and controlling I just honestly wanted freedom. Making my own choices were imperative.

Who would know that experimental growth would be so hard and so very effective? I went in with fear and lust. I got attached in the unhealthiest way to a person who was not emotionally available. Oh boy what an awakening I had. 

At the beginning of this book, I was a huge idiot who had to learn what the real world of love could look like. Honestly, I would go as far to say that I went through it all to write this here today. 

I am so free now that I could actually focus on myself. I want to be understood so I am finding ways to understand myself. I want to be loved and cared for. Oof now this one has been challenging. Self-neglect has been one of the blocks I have. 

These programs are so interesting and fun to decode. Don't mind me over here on a little island navigating my consciousness and determined to have and live a fulfilling life. I am so motivated and driven by pain and past hurt that it just fuels me.

This fuel works like a charm and anger to me is just become a bit of who I am. Being soft has really hurt me. 

I have also made some changes in my life that have been doing some wonderful things for me. My circle of friends is very small, I cherish each one of them with my whole heart. This care and love I have to offer I know how valuable it really is now.

Recognizing my strengths and weaknesses is another thing I am working on. I am extroverted, loud, confident, annoying, straightforward and very weird. 

The strength is the ability to like to make social connections and navigate the social world. This works most of the times. My weakness is however letting the right people in. I have so much empathy for those I become attached to that they basically can do no wrong and I let them walk all over my boundaries for fear they will leave me.

Boundaries are very important for me and the other persons mental, emotional and psychological peace. 

Yes, I jump into things pretty fast and just blaze through it all like it was just but a hit of a joint high and I just have to move on. Now realizing this about myself I ask this: "Is this who I want to be?"

No, I want a real connection. Equal give and take. I want real. Sure, I get eager, so what? Life is fun and I enjoy experiencing life and its adventures every day.

With my career showing promise, I am starting to find a space for actual peace in my life. Psychologically I am depressed, but I am also anxious. This means I have to rest and then I have to push.

The way I navigate this is to allow myself to take the rest without judging myself and when I feel the urge to go, then get up and go, go, go, till I'm ready to stop again. This is my method, and I am okay with it. It works man what can I say.

At this point I have rested for a few days; I feel the push happening today and well it's on full push right now so here I am at 2:26am writing away. Do I have some weird disorder? Hell na bro, I am a superhuman who is full of creativity and who feels all the beautiful deep and complex emotions there are to experience. If you find that's wrong, then baby I don't want to be right. This taste of inner freedom and bliss is real and now I am going to enjoy this. 

Expression is important and I will always say to anyone who asks me for any advice, it would be to start to get to know your true real inner self-expression without judging yourself.

My inner expression is starting to blend into my everyday life. I could see my true self just blossoming and I also see her growing and becoming such a wonderful person. I could now say Thank you to my toxic exes, toxic family, toxic boss and my own toxic bpd who gave me the pain to become the version of me I am today. I could protect myself better thanks to those lessons. I have more sense and experience. I am also not afraid to move on and love again.

I am but a fool. I am such a sucker for living life to its fullest. I am ready to be the best version of me. That version of me does not give a fuck. That version of me loves with all of her heart. This girl loves herself uncondionally and pursues her dreams and goals. She never gives up, never gives in. No matter the circumstances she is ready for a challenge and can think on her feet. She is independent and kind. She is a true woman.

I want to live as a 24-year-old and build. My years of building is now. I am building a legacy. This is for my future family. I want a happy loving life with a family of my own. OH boy there is a lot of work to do to get there from where I currently am that is for sure.

One step at a time I will get there and look back to this and smile with gratitude.