Dysregulated, disassociated and discombobulated. No way to find a rock of my own. Loneliness isn't just a state of being it's a state of suffering. How could I transform this into something of value?
Insistent thoughts of unworthiness engulf me to a whole new level. How do I be vulnerable when that means I'll have no control? How can I trust my instincts when I know its blindsided by my mountain of insecurities?
The biggest challenge for me is to be on my own. I need to learn what it means to be independent. Outsourcing my regulation in relationships is not working for me anymore and becoming aware of this took me a whole lot of bad decisions and self-loathing.
How do I take care of myself on my own? How do I do this when I am so paralyzed by fear? Feelings, so many feelings. So much clarity I now know that taking a step way back is what I am about to accomplish.
I let so much of who I am be determined by the people I care about that I lose myself, what I want and who I am. To not do this I run away and have an identity crisis trying to remember who I am and reinvent a new me who is more resilient to her circumstances. I need a whole lot of time to figure out what it is I really want. Typing this out makes me realize how harsh I've been on a lot of people who were trying to be my friend.
Our beliefs definitely affect who we are. It is who we are. What happens when you don't remember what you believe and get caught up in the opinions and belief systems of the ones closest to you? You get a real life identity crisis. That is what happens.
When I take time I usually get depressed and anxious, I want to reconnect so badly. This to me is a huge cry for help inside. I have begun to neglect her and it shows up everywhere in my life.
Fucked up sleeping patterns, days asleep and nights binge watching anime and action shows. All the while I feel like I am watching my life burn. On the other hand I have been numbed out and weak. This feels like a hell.
Praying for the Goddess to protect me while I cry day in and day out. I want to live, I want to be able to regulate these intense and debilitating self-destructive emotions.
Instinctively I shut down, disassociate and sleep. My cry for help is to myself. I want to help myself. I see how sad I really am. I want to change.
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Borderline Awakening 2024
SpiritualNavigating Relationships seem to be one hell of an emotional ride. Fuck the fear of death, this thing called love is scarier I will tell you that. I received my diagnosis 2021December. TW: Self Harm, Suicidal Tendencies and Abuse. This is the next p...
