Borderline Awakening 2024

He Blew My Mind

I have never felt more ashamed of my behavior in a very long time. Where he left out, I filled up. I filled in the blanks with fear and worst-case scenarios. I put myself into a state of deep depression wallowing in these false beliefs. How can reality be so bendy?

He was so genuine I just felt sick to my stomach of all the things I thought he thought of me. His perception of me is an unknown I tried so hard to fill to gain control. Things in this life isn't black and white they say.

Well tell that to my frigging bpd brain. Finding that middle is so hard when these emotions cloud my every rationale. I hurt people by pushing hard to understand where they stand with me to gain a sense of acceptance and belonging in this world. Without this I feel so lost. Connection. I long for it and fear its validity. I care so much that I just forget about myself and hyper fixate on the relationship. This puts a lot of strain on people who get close to me and seen my vulnerabilities.

I seem to never mind my own business. I make people's perception of me my business and then I lose myself completely. What is my business? What is it that I am working towards to help build my own better future? Have I ever sat with that and simmer? Have I been sober and coherent enough ever to truly understand what is it that I want in this lifetime? I know as time passes it changes and evolves. 

I want to be okay and comfortable with change in my life. I want to have an open heart and mind to all the colors of life and be present enough to experience it as it happens. 

I am so grateful for the people who are still in my life and who have stayed. To me that means more than life itself. 

Reflecting on all that my friend relayed to me has me very concerned for my own wellbeing. I want to step up in my life so very badly. I want to hold on to this hope of betterment and make action-based decisions without holding back my creativity.

Logic and Rationality. Facts and Efficiency. I am learning new paradigms that are opening up new and brighter neural pathways to new ideas.

I am starting to rise; I shall be from the ashes of self-deception into the fiery skies of Trust. I will be okay. It will all work out. I got this. 

No matter what I am determined to make something of myself and to allow new and big changes to come gradually and stably.