UNLIKELY MATCH | HEESEUNG

12 - Like A Blade Through Silk

SENA'S POV

I spend the whole day rotting in my bed, staring at the ceiling as if I'm trapped in some kind of endless loop. My mind keeps replaying the events of the photoshoot over and over again, like a broken record that refuses to move forward. Heeseung's touch, the way he stares at me, the way I can feel the tension between us and my heart goes racing like a damn racehorse every time I remember it. I can't get him out of my head, no matter how hard I try. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face, his eyes, and I'm right back on that beach, feeling his arms around me, his warmth seeping into my skin.

I toss and turn in my bed, scrolling through my pictures with Heeseung. The engagement announcement photos were posted on his account and millions of he people had already liked and commented within the first hour. Now it's only a matter of time before Ujin sees it and I'll have to explain everything. I feel like a cheater, like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to do while he's clueless about it. I've been lying to him, pretending everything is normal when in reality, my entire life is a mess. 

I scroll through the comments, trying to find one single hate comment because I know at some point, there'll be someone who doesn't buy into the act or someone who just finds happiness in spreading hate. But all I find are words of adoration and envy, people gushing over how perfect Heeseung and I look together, how they can't wait for the wedding, how they wish they could find a love like ours. It's sickening, really, how easily people buy into the illusion we're creating, but it's also comforting. 

I've always wondered what people would say if I ever showed Ujin online and announced our relationship. Now, that probably wouldn't happen anytime soon and  I find myself feeling both relief and guilt. Relief that no one seems to suspect that this engagement is anything but real, and guilt that I'm deceiving so many people, including Ujin.

"Are you going to spend the rest of the day in your bed?" Steph leans against the doorframe, watching me go through a crisis, like I always do, to be honest. What goes in my mind is a mess, a freaking rollercoaster that never seems to end. "You've been in there for hours."

I toss my phone aside and bury my face in my hands, hoping against hope for everything to go well. "I don't know what else to do, Steph. My head's a mess right now."

"Thinking of Heeseung?" I sit up at her words, my eyes widening slightly. "Don't give me that look, Senny, I know you. You're probably thinking about what you're going to tell Ujin, even though it's not your fault and you don't have to shoulder all the blame."

"I don't want to disappoint him." I hear myself say, and it's ironic even to myself because he disappointed me so many times but I've never managed to let go of that fear of disappointing him. "He's going to be hurt, and angry, and I don't know if I can handle that. He's my first and only boyfriend, Steph, it's not gonna be easy to just end things with him. And he's the only reason my father is breathing down my neck much less than he used to. Imagine if I end things with him and then have to deal with my father's wrath."

"You're literally going into an arranged marriage just for his sake, can't you start thinking of your own life, Senny? You're always thinking of others, thinking of Ujin when's a complete asshole, thinking of your father when all he ever did was control you. When are you going to start thinking about yourself? You're your own person. Please, for once, put yourself first." She sighs, frustration lacing her voice, and I'm left with a heavy silence. 

Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I feel the truth of her words sinking in. "Ujin may not be perfect, but he's familiar, you know? And my father... I don't even know where to begin with him. I'm not ready to confront them, and Ujin loves me, okay? If I end things with him, who'd be there for me? Who'd love me? I've never felt like I deserved better."