UNLIKELY MATCH | HEESEUNG

41 - Arms of Another

HEESEUNG'S POV

My feet somehow take me to the hospital where Haruka is getting her treatment. The familiar scent of antiseptic and the steady hum of medical equipment surround me as I step into the bustling hospital corridors but my mind is elsewhere and I'm nothing but an empty shell. The corridors stretch endlessly before me, giving me time and space to think about what I've done with every step I take. But perhaps it's not what I've done that weighs heaviest on my mind, but rather what I've failed to do. I've failed to be honest with Sena, failed to confront my past, failed to protect the woman I love from unnecessary pain. And now, standing outside Haruka's room, I'm faced with the consequences of those failures.

With trembling hands, I push open the door and step inside. The room is quiet, save for the soft beeping of monitors and the gentle hiss of oxygen flowing through tubes. Haruka is lying on her bed, her eyes closed and I stand there, unsure of what to say or where to begin. "Heeseung?" But then recognition dawns, and a faint smile tugs at the corners of her lips. I fail at finding that smile beautiful like I used to before. I fail to find anything beautiful about her now that I know she's the reason behind my pain. "How are y-"

"I needed to talk to you." I blurt out, the words tumbling from my lips before I can stop them. "About... us."

"Us?" Haruka repeats, her smile faltering slightly as she sits up a little straighter in bed, her eyes searching mine for what I might say next. "Is everything okay?"

"No, everything is far from okay," A heavy sigh escapes my lips and I sit on the chair next to her bed, my wound sightly throbbing. Just when I think it healed and it wouldn't give me pain, it flares up again. Quite like the woman sitting before me. "I... I've been trying to avoid it, but I can't keep running from the truth. What we had, it's over. It's been over for a long time. Right now, there is no us."

"Heeseung, I know," She chuckles, a humorless sound that cuts through the tension in the room. "I know things between us haven't been the same for a while now. You don't have to remind me. Heeseung, you don't have to be this mean-"

"You don't have to ruin my life just because yours is falling apart," I interrupt, the words spilling out before I can stop them. My tone is sharper than I intended, edged with frustration and pain, but I don't know what to do with all this anger. All this resentment that's been building inside me for so long. My words are way more hurtful than I intended and I do feel guilty for even thinking about them when Haruka's eyes soften and fill with hurt. "I'm sorry," I mutter, rubbing my temples as if trying to ease the ache building behind my eyes. "That was uncalled for. But you have to understand-"

"Understand what exactly? That you moved on? That you weren't the reason why we broke up because right now, you seem very happy with commitment?" I hate the way she's snapping at me, but I guess you can turn a blind eye to someone who might lose their life. You might clench your fist and tighten your jaw and not say anything. "Just say it. Just say you didn't love me enough and we only broke up so you can get rid of me."

"I did love you, Haruka," I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. "But... things changed. I changed. So many fucking years had passed and I realized I couldn't keep holding onto something that wasn't right for either of us. It wasn't fair to you, and it wasn't fair to me. But Haruka, you can hurt me all you want, you can lash out on me and blame me for everything and I will forgive you every damn time because I never wanted to get rid of you. But do not hurt Sena. Don't even think about it. She doesn't deserve any of this." My throat tightens as I try to push down the lump forming within it. 

"I never wanted to hurt anyone," I want to believe her. I want to believe that she never intended to cause me pain, that she's genuinely sorry for the mess she's created. But the scars run too deep, the wounds too raw for forgiveness to come so easily. And in the back of my mind, I know she meant everything she did. I know she meant to hurt Sena because of her own pain, her own desperation. "But you said it's a fake marriage and I thought we could start anew. I still love you, I don't think I will ever stop. Even when my life is falling apart, I still decide to love you. Heeseung, can't you see that?"

"I said it was a fake marriage but did I ever say I don't love Sena enough to make that marriage real? I may have made mistakes, but my feelings for Sena are genuine. I never wanted to hurt her, and I'll do whatever it takes to make things right with her. But between us, Haruka, there's nothing left to fix." I stand up, my heart heavy with sorrow as I realize that this conversation, painful as it is, needed to happen. As much as I wish things were different, I know deep down that they can't be. "I thought we could be friends who care for each other, but right now, knowing that you would lie, ruin my life and not even bat an eye, I don't think we can even be that." 

Before realizing it, I'm driving to her. I'm driving to her place in hopes of finding her there, of seeing her face, of holding her in my arms, and making things right before I leave for the race in Japan. I pull up to her apartment building and make my way up the stairs to her floor, my heart hammering against my ribcage. What if she doesn't want to see me? What if I've already pushed her away too far? The questions make me hesitate when I reach her door, my hand hovering over the doorknob for a moment before I gather the courage to knock. I don't care if she's angry with me, if she's hurt, if she needs space. All I know is that I need to see her, to apologize over and over again just to feel her forgiveness, to hold her close and tell her just how much she means to me.

The sound of my knuckles rapping against the door echoes in the hallway as I stand there, seconds feeling like hours as I wait for a response. I almost think that no one is opening the door when it creaks open, revealing someone who is not my Sena. "Hello?" For some reason I don't ever think I'd ever understand, a man answers the door and I find myself momentarily taken aback. This isn't the response I had hoped for. 

"Um, sorry, I think I have the wrong apartment," I manage to mumble, frowning as I look at the door that's definitely hers. But how could someone else be answering it? "I'll, uh, I'm just-"

"Taeho? Who's at the door?" But Sena's voice is enough to make me freeze. My heart leaps in my chest at the sound of her voice and at the sight of her holding onto the man's arm as she peers past, her gaze landing on me. I can see how she struggles to keep her composure in the slight furrow of her brow, the way her grip on the man's arm tightens just a fraction before she releases it altogether. 

I don't know how to feel anymore, now that I've interrupted whatever moment she was having with this man. I don't know what to think of this and I don't know whether I should leave or stay. All I know is that seeing her with someone else, even if it's just a friend, makes me wonder if I'm too late. If I've already lost her.