UNLIKELY MATCH | HEESEUNG

33 - Not Saying It's Not My Fault

HEESEUNG'S POV

I'm driving so fast I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins. The road stretches out ahead of me, the familiar hum of the engine drowning out everything else. I need to get to her, to Haruka, as fast as I can. The news of her leukemia diagnosis hits me like a ton of bricks. Haruka, the woman I left because she deserved better than what I could give her, is now facing a battle far greater than anything I've ever known. Guilt gnaws at me as I recall the reasons why I left her, the promises I couldn't keep, the pain I caused. But right now, none of that matters. All that matters is getting to her side, being there for her when she needs me the most.

I push the pedal to the floor, the scenery blurring past me as memories of Haruka flash before my eyes. I've tried to bury those feelings deep, deep within my heart and with loving Sena, I thought I had moved on. But now, faced with the possibility of losing Haruka, all those emotions come rushing back to the surface like a tidal wave. The guilt, the regret, the longing—it's all there, threatening to consume me whole. I remember the last time I saw her, the way she looked at me with tears in her eyes as I walked away. I promised myself then that I would never hurt her again, that I would let her go so she could find happiness without me. Right now, that promise is being put to the ultimate test.

The minutes stretch into eternity before I finally arrive at the hospital, my heart pounding in my chest as I rush inside. I call her again, struggling to stand but blocking out the pain shooting through my abdomen just to find her. My phone is pressed to my ear as I look left and right and before I know it, my gaze falls upon her. Haruka. I don't even realize it when I rush to her side, dropping the phone to the floor in my haste. The beeping of the machines fades into the background when she wraps her arms around me and cries like she hasn't cried in years. "Heeseung," She chokes out through her sobs and tightens her grip on my shoulders, her fingers trembling against my skin. "You came."

Her tears soak through the fabric of my shirt as she clings to me and I nod, feeling her trembling against me. "I'm here, Haruka. I'm here." And she just cries harder, as if my presence is enough to release all the pent-up emotions she's been holding inside. 

I don't know whether it's right for me to hug her like this, to feel her pain and offer comfort when I've been absent for so long. When now, there's another woman I love. A woman that I would never want to hurt in the slightest way. The woman whom my heart beats for even in miles away. I take a deep breath, wondering if my feelings for Sena don't diminish those I have for Haruka, after all. Wondering if I should even be feeling this way at all.

The doctors come and go, explaining to me Haruka's situation and treatment. They talk about chemotherapy, about the side effects, about the uncertainty of it all. The possibilities of possibilities being possible, it all sounds like a blur to me as I sit by Haruka's side, watching her sleep peacefully, her chest rising and falling in rhythm with each breath. A part of me still cares about her after all these years, and now with the possibility of losing her to a damn disease, that part of me refuses to stay silent.

Haruka's hair is longer, her skin paler than I remember. She used to be so lively and full of energy, her laughter echoing through the halls wherever she went. Now, she lies before me, silent, vulnerable. I run my fingers through my hair, letting out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. She might not even make it through this, and the weight of that possibility crushes me.

I didn't leave her so she loses to a disease. I left her because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, because I wanted her to live and love and not be with someone who didn't know just how much she deserved. I left her, and I think the world is just so unfair for putting her through this pain. For bringing her into my life when my heart belongs to someone else. 

"I didn't know who to call," Haruka's voice pulls me from whatever trance I'm in, and when I lift my head and look at her, she's staring at the window. "I was supposed to stay in town for a month and leave. I didn't expect any of this to happen. And I didn't want to call you but I didn't know who to call." 

I don't know what to say, the words caught in my throat as I look into Haruka's eyes, searching for a hint of blame or resentment. Instead, all I see is vulnerability and fear. "I'm here now. You did the right thing by calling me, Haruka."

"I don't even know if I'll make it. The doctors say there's some possibility that I won't respond well to the treatment. Then what? What am I supposed to do?" Her voice breaks, and I can see the desperation in her eyes. The harsh reality of her situation sinks in, and for a moment, I feel utterly powerless. I attempt to reassure her by patting her back, but the moment I move, the wound in my abdomen sends a sharp pain in my body and I wince, closing my eyes to block out the pain. "Are you okay? Should I call for a doctor? Do you need help?" Haruka's hand hovers uncertainly near me and I shake my head, forcing a smile despite the discomfort gnawing at me.

"I'll be fine, Haruka. Don't worry about me right now. Let's focus on you." 

For a moment, we stay silent and she just stares at me as if trying to read my thoughts. Finally, she speaks. "I heard you got engaged." Those words make me pause and look down at my hands, at the ring sitting on my finger. The gleaming metal seems to catch the light in the room, reminding me of the love I would give up everything to keep.

"Yeah, I did," I respond softly, my gaze still fixed on the ring. "Her name is Sena. She's an amazing woman. She's very important to me." I don't tell her that I was thrust into a fake marriage to keep my seat on the team. I don't tell her that, at first, I wasn't planning on falling for Sena because I still thought of her. I don't tell her all of this because right now, none of it matters. None of it is still true. My love for Sena is as real and genuine as anything I've ever felt.

"Congratulations." I hear her say but I can tell it's not as genuine as she wants to make it sound. "I'm happy for you. Really. You seem happy- happier."

Memories of when we were still together flood my mind and I can't help but feel guilty for moving on. I wonder if she moved on. I wonder if she stopped thinking about me or if I still linger in the corners of her mind. "Yeah," I breathe, smiling through the pain of reminiscence, "I am happy. Life is better, I guess. Racing, love, and everything in between—it's all falling into place." It's a half-truth, but it's the best I can offer right now.

"You deserve it." We stare into each other's eyes for a while, silence wrapping around us like a warm, comforting blanket. There's so much left unsaid between us, so many words left lingering in the air, and I guess that's why Haruka decides to break the silence. "I never blamed you, Heeseung, for leaving, for choosing your career over us. I always knew you had your reasons."

"I don't think we should-" I start but my phone starts ringing and I sigh, picking my phone up to see an unknown number on the screen. I frown. "Hello?"

"Hello. Is this Heeseung?" The voice on the other line is oddly familiar. "I'm Steph, Sena's manager. Is she with you? I'm worried about her because she doesn't pick up her phone and she's not home." My frown deepens and I run my fingers through my hair.

"No, she's not with me. Isn't she home with her parents?" By now, panic is starting to rise in my chest because Sena would always, and I mean always, answer Steph if she ever called her. It's not like her to disappear without a word. "I'm not home but I'll call her and head back right away. I'll let you know what I find out," I assure Steph before ending the call. I quickly dial Sena's number, my heart pounding with each unanswered ring. The fear of the unknown is suffocating, and I can't shake the feeling that something is terribly wrong. It's so not like Sena to not pick up her phone or let anyone worry about her like this.

I wonder if something happened with her father. I wonder if she's in trouble, if she's hurt, if she's in danger. The possibilities race through my mind, each one more terrifying than the last. Gosh, I wonder if Ujin has something to do with this. The thought sends a shiver down my spine. I know firsthand how toxic Ujin can be, and the idea of him hurting Sena or even thinking of crossing her makes my blood boil.