Minefield of Mirrors

-13-

Faking a smile, faking a good time, faking genuine interest. Why? Just to please people around her. To prevent people from asking what was going on inside her head. All because Iris knew that if people would ever figure out what had been going on inside her head, they would walk away from her as fast as they could. She had been a people pleaser all her life and it hadn't changed much after her move to London. Yes, she had left some of the toxicity she had gone through in her home country, but she had never found a way to leave her personality trait as a people pleaser.

As soon as she had closed the door of her hotel room, she leaned with her back against it whilst closing her eyes. Alone. She was alone. She was finally able to stop walking around on her toes like she had been doing all evening long. Always walking on the little edge. One wrong move and she knew she would spiral down, being killed by her own thoughts again.

Iris kicked her boots off and let herself slide down against the door. For a minute she was grateful for the carpet in the room, which made the touch-down of her butt against the floor a bit softer.

With that kind of weight, no touch-down will ever be soft.

How did this voice even find its way back to the surface this easily? Hadn't she suppressed it as soon as she had moved out of the Netherlands? Out of the country where everyone has an opinion about every little thing you do. Always the gazes behind you when you didn't meet up to the usual etiquette; slim, small, sporty and preferably blonde as well. Yes, Iris ticked the box of being blonde, but she didn't tick the other three boxes, which felt like a problem wherever she would go. Even back at her parents' house, she never felt safe from the world. There was never a possibility to relax, be yourself or enjoy certain foods or clothing. No, her mom would always be hinting towards the missing three boxes. The comments were subtle but always hit Iris hard. If even her own mom didn't like the way she looked, then how on earth would someone else do?

The problem is yourself. If you could only keep yourself in check, none of it would've been necessary-

Iris' ringtone suddenly sounded loudly from the handbag that was lying next to her on the floor. Although she wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, she still opened her bag to see who was calling her. It almost felt like her body was calling the shots without asking her brains for permission first. Mick's name flashed on the screen and Iris took a deep breath. She knew she couldn't turn this phone call down. It was Mick after all...

People pleaser you are

'Hey, Mick.' She said softly as she leaned her head against the door.

'Hi, Iris! How are you?' His voice sounded cheerfully through the speaker of her phone.

It was a question she would rather avoid at the very moment. She couldn't even figure her thoughts out herself, let alone tell someone else how she was feeling. 'I'm still alive. How are you doing? Did you have a nice team dinner?'

Mick laughed on the other side of the line. He was probably thinking it was some kind of a sarcastic answer she had given him. Little did he know...

'Well, I'm still alive too. Had an amazing dinner with the team, but that's not why I'm calling. I was actually wondering where you are at the moment. Kevin and I were planning to take our team van towards the party and it would practically drive by the restaurant you had your dinner. Do you want to hop in? Or did you already leave the restaurant?'

Internally Iris hissed a moan. She totally forgot about that party she had promised Alex and Mick to join...

'I'm actually already back at the hotel.' It was the only thing she decided to say. No further details.

Sounds were well hearable in the background and Iris could only assume that Mick was standing outside in front of the restaurant and that cars were rushing by him on the street.

Surprise sounded through his voice. 'You're back at the hotel? Why?'

When Iris didn't know what to answer, Mick fired his next question; 'Are you all right, Iris...?'

Somehow the worriedness that was lying in his words, all together with his sweet and soft voice, made Iris tear up. No, she wasn't fine. She was the furthest from being fine as she had been in a very long time. All she wanted to do was sit in this specific place for a while, and just stare in front of her. Let that voice inside her head ramble on, just as long as it would take for it to finally shut up.

'Iris? Are you there?'

Iris coughed a little, hoping her voice would sound steady enough to not make Mick any more worried than he already sounded. 'Yes, I'm here. I just felt a bit tired after all these new impressions today.'

'I understand...'

Some mumbling sounded in the background, followed by some harsh sounds that made Iris move the phone a bit back from her ear to avoid damaging her eardrums with it.

'Iris!' A different voice was suddenly on the other side. 'Alex here. Please tell me you're coming! You made a promise!'

Even though Alex's voice sounded so cheerful, the happiness just didn't reach Iris through the phone. No, the tears were still gathered behind her eyes, ready to be let out one more time again... No, not just one more time. She knew damn well that if she would stay in her room all evening by herself, she would be crying all night.

'I know Alex, I'm just-'

He cut her right off. 'No, no, no. Max told me that you are only here for a couple of months, which means that this party is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you. You can't turn it down!'

Wait, Max? Had Max been talking to Alex about her?

'Come on Iris!'

Before Iris could even respond, the reassuring voice of Mick was back. 'Don't worry Iris. If you're feeling too tired, you should stay in. Just do whatever you feel will be the best for you.'

For a second she weighted the two scenes against each other in her mind. If she would stay in, she would cry. If she went out, she had to mingle with some of the drivers and act all happy and cheerful. Staying in sounded just so tempting...

'The van just arrived. Should we do a little detour to pick you up at the hotel? Or would you like to stay in?' He was just so patient with her. 'I'm fine with both, Iris. Although it would be really lovely if you accompanied us...'

The words left her mouth before she even knew. 'Okay, give me half an hour and I'll be downstairs in the lobby.'

People pleaser you are.