The Ramblings of a Confused Fish

Again?

There's comfort in routine. No doubt about it. It's soothing to know exactly what is coming next. It gives structure to your day, it allows for focus and fewer decisions throughout the day.

Until you go insane.

The space in your mind that used to be taken up with decisions and mental stimulation allows doubt, paranoia, and fear to creep in. We aren't meant to live the same experiences every single day without variation. Humans are made to adapt and learn from their mistakes to stay alive. We fear change but are reliant on it.

I'm the kind of person who can't keep listening to the same things over and over, I have to switch it up as often as possible. I don't have a favorite song, but if people ask me, I pop onto my phone to see what I've been listening to recently. You would think I'd know what I've been listening to, right? Wrong. My dad asked me if I was into Brit rock the other day when I was playing some music. My response was, and I quote: "I guess so."

A funky little habit I have is replaying things in my head with slight variations every time. I'll remember a conversation I had earlier and imagine how it could have gone if I had said something different. Not really in an overthinking way, in a writer way (I know that doesn't make much sense).

The people (including me) in my little variations of a memory rapidly become simpler characters than they are in real life. It's so hard to capture human complexity in simple thoughts. It always frustrated me to write complex relationship dynamics when I was less practiced, but it's become more and more fun as I've done it more.

Lately, I've been devoting more time to work, and people have been complaining to me about my conversational skills. I've been repeating conversations with others for days in a row, unable to recall whether I've told them the same things before.

A friend was joking with me, and I was talking to her about a paper due soon. She just turned to me and looked into my eyes, searching for recognition in my eyes. When she didn't find any, she continued talking to me. I said the same thing the next day, and she just stared at me. I asked her what was wrong, then she started laughing. I get deja vu often when I talk, but I've always attributed it to thinking I've said something when I've just thought it.

Hey, I have a loud brain. I'm glad the people around me told me what was going on because I was struggling.

Since then, I've tried to become a bit more conscious of what I say. I don't have much of a filter between what I say and what I think, so my words often mirror my exact thoughts. It makes recall a little bit harder.

We have to find a balance between routine and variety. Easier said than done.