what tomorrow brings.

xii. i live, i do not.

xii. I LIVE, I DO NOT.

instead of love me not's, i tear apart a flower
in hope to find the end result that i don't live.
i live, i do not, i live, i do not.
the petals cry out when i pluck them off.
i look at them with saddened eyes,
their color not as vibrant when they are detached
from the joyous, green stem.
i live, i do not, i live.
i shake my head, counting down the numbers.
how did i get desperate enough to rely on flower petals
when the blade only sits a few feet away?
i do not, i live, i do not.
fingers crossed behind murky thoughts,
i know what i want. the conclusion of me,
ripping apart my own skin in hopes that i bleed out fast enough
so they don't hear my screams. dead, covered in dead flowers;
dead eyes, with dead after thoughts.
i live, i do not, i live, i do not.
my eyes fill up with despair as the last petal stares me down.
i swallow harshly, feel all the empty shotgun shells move roughly
in the rotten wounds i cover up from you. i rip the last sight of pink
off with white knuckles, crescent moons puncturing through my skin
as i repeat the cursed conclusion in my head.
i live, i live, i live.
it's not easy to breathe when your ribcage feels full of burdens and
an ocean inside you erupts through creaky barriers that haven't
been touched in years. i watch the stem turn into poison ivy, the
stream of flowers making their way to the void i had prayed my
blood would have followed. through a blurry vision, i shove all the
petals down the drain, along with all my hopes and dreams.
i'm cold, scared, my mind is empty.

i live.