HMS Valediction

Chapter 11.2

Fuck.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not happening. I can't do this right now. I'm so close to breaking, this will shatter my flimsy reconstruction. 

I push off John and begin the trek toward ARC10. 

"Lorn, slow down. Where's the goddamn fire?" Knuckles has picked up a jog to keep up with me.

"We're getting off this planet now. Flatts!" As I swing my arms around to keep my momentum, Flatts jogs to my side. "Run ahead. Prep the engines. We're leaving now."

"Ay-ay, Commander!" She sprints forward, her red curls bouncing behind her.

Knuckles keeps pace with me. "What's this sudden rush? We should articulate our discoveries on cultural protocol to the other Commanders. There's no—"

"Then you stay and chit-chat with them, but I've got a schedule to keep and we're going to be back in the air, on time, even if I have to roll up my sleeves and push the damn ship into orbit myself," I spit back.

He gives me his skeptical brow raise over the lowered rim of his silver spectacles. There's a shudder under our feet as ARC4 lands on a pod directly next to ARC10.

Please, I pray, this is one more thing I can't handle. Don't let this happen here. Not now. I can't.

The thought of this being the moment that I meet up with Kai and show him the product of our singular, regrettable one-night together twists my gut that my son. . . Our son is kicking.

I can't. I won't.

I increase my pace. I'm so tired.

In the distance, ARC4's hatch glides open, revealing four VIPERs and their two commanders at the head. I know that stance. I know that stature. Even from a distance, I can tell it's Kai leading the group.

I stumble and fall, catching myself on my palms and knees.

"Christ Lorn! Are you trying to kill yourself?" Knuckles bends down to pick me up. Grudgingly, I accept his help and try to scramble away. No. I won't do this now. Not with my neck burning, my body exhausted, and my soul tarnished.

We're close to ARC10, only two hundred yards from our hatch.

The ARC4's team spots us. They're headed in our direction.

My grip on Knuckles' arm tightens. Staring up into his eyes as I'm half crouched, half poised to fly away, I hope to the Lady he can see how desperate this is. "I can't do this," I whisper. "I can't talk to him. Not now. This is not how he should find out about his. . ." I trail off and look back between the oncoming group and ARC10.

Knuckles' eyes widen in surprise as his gaze darts from me to the advancing group. "You may not have a choice, love."

I shove off and gallop toward the ship. Kai, I know it's him, turns to cut us off at the door.

Closer. We're no more than a hundred yards. I bow my head and charge forward. Fifty. We're closer than they are.

I look over. The dawn of recognition smacks Kai. He stops. His deep voice reverberates through his speaker box, distorting its natural levity.

"Janika?" He drops his tactical position, his arms dangle at his sides.

I keep running.

"Janika, wait."

I  stumble again.

"Janika!" he screams on repeat, sprinting toward me. His team doesn't follow.

My knees are bloody and covered in gravel. I can't do this now. The thin oxygen makes my breathing hard. The band above my lip can't puff enough of it to keep me stable. My vision whirls. My body struggles for air.

"Is it mine? Janika, please! Stop!"

He's going to collide into me.

I imagine Kai's hands around my arms. His piercing blue eyes fixating on me. His forceful grasp shaking a confession from me. Yes Kai, it's yours and yes, I hid this from you and yes, I almost tried to kill it. No, none of this was supposed to happen. This was never supposed to be your family.

I brace for impact.

His arms reach out.

John rears up between us, startling Kai, flinging him backward. Kai pulls his weapon and aims it at the Xani.

With him distracted, I realize that this is my only chance to escape.

We all clamor into the ship, John standing guard, spinning his blades in Kai's face. I hear Kai's voice scream my name until he's hoarse.

Streaming HEL lasers whizz through the thick atmosphere. John spasms on the ground.

"John!" I scream in agony. All my stupid decisions are hurting my friends.

The Xani picks himself off the ground from under the white cloud layers and slinks onboard. As a final departing gesture, John extends his spindle leg and kicks Kai, flinging him off our landing port. With Kia off our platform, Flatts closes the hatch.

He calls my name over and over again through his speaker. From the window, I watch him pound his fists on the hatch.

"Tell me, Lorn! Tell me it's mine!" come his muffled screams before the hatch slides shut.

The engines roar. Kai retreats, running from the heat of our ship.

We all take our places in the straps. As we blast off, John limps up to the ceiling where he disappears into the craggy angles of the bulkhead. Our launch is quick and rickety. Within minutes, we're back in the darkness of the open universe with distant stars surrounding us.

I can't look at anyone. This is the most naked I've ever been. The most humiliated, the most on-display, the most catastrophic showcase of emotions and terrible choices that I have ever presented for public viewing. It's almost as bad as the night I was dragged through Level 4 by the Maroon Coats and their goons.

Flatts pulls at the threads of her harness. Coodi scrutinizes the deck while clutching her straps. McCroy unbuckles himself and storms away. Knuckles looks as if he's trying to set me on fire with the power of his mind.

"You do realize that man is going to go the next four years knowing what he knows?" he seethes, his voice low and laden with contempt. "He's going to wake up and know every single day that he has a child somewhere in the universe and he's not going to be able to know anything about it. He won't know if its mother will love it or abandon it. He'll have no idea if his child will end up some street urchin on a distant planet because of the history he shares with the woman."

I turn away from him.

"For once, Lorn, this could have been handled differently, and you chose to make this an even bigger cock-up than your initial descent into vagrancy." He unfastens himself with jerky movements and throws the harness to the side. "You're a goddamn disaster."

When he disappears down the passageways, I don't follow. I stay planted in my seat with my harness across my chest. After a while, the only other person in the room with me is Moyra.

"You've changed," she says simply, as if discussing the URE's core temperature of the day.

I scoff. She should talk.

"Where's the Janika Lorn that Simon raised? Where's the girl who fought for her friends instead of against them?"

I don't answer. After a few minutes, Moyra leaves me too.

My hand is weightless without my PAHLM. I want to read my messages from Dean and Simon. I want to reassure myself that I am loved.

But my hand is empty.