The Villainess Will Not Bring Dishonor To Her Family

170 - A Request

Lily's Point of View

...I haven't been able to sleep a wink ever since those words.

My mind has being going around in circles, trying to find all the little hints to prove or even disprove those words, and of course the more I look through my memories, the more I realize how much that Lionel has probably been caring and worrying for me.

Even though I was someone he hated me back then, he still held worry for me when he found out Bridgette poisoned my tea. He noticed my problems with Gilbert even though I didn't say anything about it, and after I saved his brothers he tried to check me for wounds so desperately. He even covered for me and took the honor for the kill.

For a while there, we had been quite close for a pair of kids. He knew my secret and I knew his.

I always wondered why he began to change as the years passed. Why he started putting distance between us but... he never gave away my secret. Though, when I think back on it, he started changing towards me mainly after his father started bringing him to their skirmishes with Headal.

 I remember thinking that he probably just changed due to the horrors of war, but after we... argued about my past, there was no trace of the hostility he had shown till then. Does that mean he pulled away because of my past? Or more specifically... did he pull away because I couldn't bring myself to get close to people? Well, Magdalin aside.

I roll over on my side.

Thinking back, when we had the dance class didn't he pick a fight just to make me depend on him?

Did I miss small things like that? Small indirect messages from him until he exploded from stress and unloaded his raw words onto me?

If that's the case... then hasn't be been worrying for me wordlessly ever since he started seeing war? Since...

Since he would be able to understand what might have happened to me...

I pull the pillow over my head.

Having a kid who was still wet behind the ears worry about me and desperately try to send me hints that I overlooked until he got angry is... embarrassing.

It's not like it would have been socially acceptable to confront me directly about it either, as it risks bringing about the exact reaction that happened back then.

That said, the only one that should ever get to see that weak side of me is my spouse, and in the end he forced it out of me. No matter how you look at it, that is incredibly rude! The only way to make it okay would be for me to marry him.

...

It went back there.

I bury my face into the bed, hoping that my shameless behaviour is at least hidden from Emilia's ghosts. I curl up. Ever since he made that direct confession yesterday my mind has been returning to that one statement far too many times throughout the night... because... love is such a rare thing in a marriage that I can't help but to hope for it, even if making such a selfish wish is a sinful desire. A sinful desire, since love is supposedly fleeting and erratic, in a way a political marriage isn't. Once you fall out of love with someone, it hurts far more than if you were never in love in the first place... but it's not like this is only because of his confession..

I take a deep breath. Let's change the subject.

What will I do when I get back? Alstair is gone, Gil is gone, the war is gone and I don't have to worry about being executed anymore. What was my last goal? Ah, right, I was looking at the knights together with Magdalin to see if I could find a suitable partner to marry.