quadraginta sex

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roles in plays will

roll in place.

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"we're the captains of our own souls,

there's no way for us to come away

'cause boy, we're gold

boy, we're gold."

lana del rey +++ lust for life

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lana del rey +++ lust for life

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remodeler's POV

i add the finishing touches to a few pieces of furniture before i decide to be done for the day. paint covers my hands, black splotches spread across my arms. i take a wipe to my skin, thankful for the cold smoothness against my taut muscles. i've been working for the last few hours on fixing up the furniture while jungkook gets ready for our photoshoot at the house.

i wonder how many outfits he has chosen...?

a profound curiosity buzzes within me, imagining what he'll look like in costume, wonder what poses he's going to bend his body in. i wonder what backdrops he's planning on and what angles he wants me to shoot him at.

ah, i'm excited. but a little nervous. 

the paintbrushes clink into their cup on the workshop desk as i straighten out the last of the tools. jungkook carelessly forgot the book i bought him on the table, too giddy to dress up for me that he left it behind. i'm about to pick it up when my hand ghosts past the drawer with the journal in it.

"no." i say. "no...you're dead, father."

i need to stop thinking about this...this path is dangerous, wrong. i've already done the best i can for the house, removed all triggers, all tools of destruction. i'm not my father. he's gone, the projects are gone. my mother was wrong. 

i won't hurt jungkook.

the book feels heavy in my palm and i focus on its weight in my grip. the drawer is partially open, and i slam it shut with the spine of the book. it closes with a snap, the contents rattling around. i should have thrown that journal out the day he died. why haven't i? why do i keep it? 

the book in my hands falls open to a random page. i'm about to close it when i see the picture. it's a diagram of the nervous system, with all the nerves in the body labeled: radial nerve, median nerve, musculocutaneous nerve--all hooked up to the spinal cord and finally to the brain. i quickly close the page, not wanting to disturb jungkook's pages with my eyes.

somehow seeing the human body labeled down to such plain terms bothers me.

this is that. that is this. this beats, this breathes, this thinks, and this hurts.

thɘ remodelɘr (k.th + j.jk) ✓Where stories live. Discover now