the one | h. potter

22. now you know

Never in my life did I think I would be at Harry Potter's house, sitting on his sofa, eating matching burritos with him from Chipotle. At the same time, I never thought I would be telling him my secret. This early at least. If we started dating, I wanted to wait a while, not long enough so he felt betrayed but not too fast that he got scared and left me.

Wow. I hadn't realized I'd thought that through so deep.

So that's what we do. We sit quietly, both eating our burritos until Harry speaks up.

"You didn't strike me as a burrito type of gal."

I laugh. "My dad liked trying food back when I was at Hogwarts. My favorite was always Mexican."

"Hmm," Harry says into his burrito. He swallows before asking, "Would you like to explain? The memory, I mean?"

"Right. Right, yeah. This might be confusing, but here goes."

"Okay."

"Okay." I clear my throat and begin. "It all started in the fifth year. I could tell You-Know-Who was back, because my dad always went away with no excuse. At the beginning of the school year, Dumbledore called me into his office and asked me if I'd like to join the Order. I accepted immediately, of course. I was in Dumbledore's army, as you remember, and one day in October, he called me up to his office. And he asked me to go undercover, to the death eaters, if I wanted to. He wanted to use me because I'm a skilled occlumens and legilimens. Have been since birth."

"Wait, you're an occlumens and legilimens?!"

"Just another perk of my bloodline. But, he asked me to be a spy, just like Snape. I accepted."

"You... what?"

"At the end of my fifth year, I went to my dad and said I'd had a change of heart, that I wanted to join his side. And that because I was a part of the Order, they could use the information I give them. They didn't trust me at first, but once You-Know-Who saw into the parts of my mind I wanted him to see, they did. So I became a death eater, sort of."

I shiver. I hated these memories with all the fiber of my being; telling him things I didn't want to, making everyone in that manor believe I was just as cruel and terrible as them. Harry places a hand on my knee, which I eye for a moment before continuing.

"So, there I was. All the Order members thought I was one of theirs, all the death eaters thought I was just like them. I had them all fooled. I fed the death eaters lies of course, not that they ever figured it out, and I fed Dumbledore real information. Only a few people, before the war, ever knew of my situation; Dumbledore, Snape, Lupin, Tonks, and Kingsley. If they'd all died... I wouldn't be here right now."

"Why is this a secret?"

"Kingsley said it should be. So far, he's been using my expertise to catch death eaters they haven't gotten yet. Telling the world would get rid of his advantage."

"Wait, was that the mission? Where you ended up in St. Mungo's?"

"Yeah. You saw on the papers that they caught Yaxley that day? That was me."

"Wow," Harry says, and pauses before asking another question. "In the memory, you told Kingsley there was a plan, right? And that you completed it?"

"Yeah. In my seventh year, I had You-Know-Who's trust, but I didn't want it to slip away. The people who knew my secret helped me find ways to keep his trust, which meant sometimes putting them in danger. In that case, Kingsley had made me his secret keeper, and he knew I was going to tell them about it. He knew that he was supposed to vacate his house after I sent him the patronus."

"Were there other times?"

"Of course. I saved Remus, Tonks, and Kinglsey a couple of times each, I think. The death eater's had gotten intel on their positions, but I warned them before the they could arrive."

"That's awfully brave."

I snort. "Wouldn't you know, Mr. Gryffindor?"

"That's a good point. Why weren't you in Gryffindor?"

"The sorting hat was debating between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, but I chose Ravenclaw. You Gryffindors can be pretty annoying sometimes."

Harry smiles. "Hey!"

I shrug before taking another bite of a burrito. Harry takes the last bite of his and sighs.

"Don't tell anyone," I tell him once I finish chewing. Harry mimes locking his lips shut and turning the key.

Harry studies me for another minute before asking a question I hoped he'd never ask.

"When you came here, to Grimmauld Place, that first day, why did the wards detect you?"

I swallow hard and purse my lips. "I'm not marked, not traditionally, like all the other death eaters. But I am marked, in a way. Once he trusted me enough, you-know-who didn't give me a real mark cause he didn't want the Order to find it, so he gave me a hidden one."

"A hidden one?" Harry echos.

"It's better if I show you." I shrug off my coat and lift the left sleeve of my sweater.

"There's nothing there," Harry observes.

I sigh before running my right index finger over my forearm, where the dark mark would normally be. I let out a little hiss as the skin shimmers slightly.

The skin shifts and you can see it; a white, pale, unmistakable form of a dark mark.

Harry sucks in a breath, but peers at it with interest.

"Why is it white?" he asks.

"No clue. At least it's not visible normally." I place my hand over my forearm and the mark disappears with a hiss. "I've seen the way people treat Draco with the mark. It makes me glad that no one knows about mine."

Harry nods in assent. "So, you and Draco?"

"Arranged."

"Ah," Harry says, but he's clearly not satisfied with my answer, so I elaborate.

"We were really good friends. It happens, when you're stuck in a house full of insane people and there's only one person your age. We got really close, and our parents noticed. So, stupidly, they asked us to get married."

"That's..."

"Insane. Yes. They didn't know, though, that Draco and I made a different arrangement, behind their backs. We told each other that if you-know-who won the war, we'd get married, because deep down we both knew we'd be happy with one another."

"And if he didn't win the war?"

"Then we'd see where our feelings led us. I still love Draco, but no the way he loves me. He's not really- how would I put it, happy with me right now."

"Can I ask, why'd you end things with him?"

I freeze and stutter out my response. "I, I loved him like a friend. I want to find the one for me."

Harry looks at me in curiosity. "Oh." He wipes a trail of guac from his lip with his tongue.

Oh, Merlin, I haven't been looking at his mouth, have I? I look away and clear my throat.

"I'm sorry. Tonight was a disaster, I didn't mean to-" I start.

"No, it's okay. It's my fault, I took the memory, I shouldn't have."

I smile lightly. "I'll take the memory, now that you've got it. It wasn't supposed to be in that box."

"Right," Harry says, before adding, "We should try this again sometime."

"I think we should."

"I won't steal any of your memories beforehand," Harry adds slyly.

I smile and meet his eyes. "I'd like that."

Harry's smile is so bright that my cheeks turn pink. As I head out the floo, I find that I'm very much looking forward to work on Monday.