As The World Caves In

ch. 19

Raven stood in front of an angled heavy bag, thrusting a vigorous punch on each side, guilt and rage taking over her body. Her mind drifts back to Coulson's lifeless body. She remembers the feeling all too well as she watched his body fall to the ground like a rag doll. Every memory that is recalled upon her gives her the power to take all of her anger out on the bag, each punch more severe than the previous one.

Every abrogating emotion coursed through her veins the more she thought about the decision she made and how it could've prevented his death.

Raven remained focused on the bag in front of her, unaware of the fact that she wasn't wearing any protective gloves. Bruises started to cover her knuckles but she didn't care. She paid no attention to the prominent pain she's feeling. This was one of the only way she could let all of what she felt out without putting herself or anyone in danger.

After her confession to everyone, Tony was the one that took it hard the most. He was furious at Raven in the beginning but when Wanda explained why she did it, he grew to understand. They all did. They realized that there was nothing malicious about what she felt was the right thing to do at the time. Tony of all people understood this. The endless amount of sacrifice he had to make in his past made him realize that Raven was simply only doing what she thought was best for her. They forgave her, but unfortunately, she didn't forgive herself just yet.

Her fists didn't stop. The contact against the heavy bag was harder, full of excruciating pain she can't quite get rid of. How could she? Raven felt as though she killed him herself. All the what ifs filtered through her head, running around in circles.

As she mindlessly kept throwing impactful punches against the bag, her knuckles were drenched in blood but this didn't stop her. In fact, the more blood that spewed out of her hands, the more she kept going. It gave her a sense of purpose to keep punching despite the pain she felt. Her jaw clenched, her punches became erratic and you could almost hear her bones on the verge of breaking. When her emotions finally reached its peak, she took one big right hook, fracturing a bone or two. Raven screeched in pain as she sunk down to the ground. Her left hand supporting the broken right hand.

Raven burst into distress, tears covering her eyes completely. She could feel her chest heave with every breath she takes. It's becoming a little too hard for her to handle. She watched as her tears dropped to the floor in front of her. She wishes for this pain to stop, hoping that somehow, some way she could take it all back.

"Rav, are you okay?" A familiar voice asked.

Raven diverted her eyes toward the source, seeing Natasha approach her with concern.

"Nat?"

Natasha kneeled down to her level, "what's wrong? What are you doing here with a broken hand? Did something happen?"

Raven whimpers, "I'm the reason why Coulson died. I let Rao go when I shouldn't have. I fucked up Nat and I don't know what to do."

Without a word, Natasha wrapped her arms around the broken woman in front of her, offering all the comfort she could give.

"Just breathe Rav, breathe." Natasha attempts to calm her down, the staggered sobs coming from Raven becoming very alarming.

"It hurts so much." Raven mourned. "I feel like a disappointment to everyone. Especially Wanda."

"Hey, don't say that." Natasha stopped her from talking down on herself. "Everyone understood why you did what you did, especially Wanda. She doesn't look at you any different. None of them do."

Raven intercedes, "but why do I feel like this? It's gnawing at me from the inside and I just want it to stop."

"It will but you have to learn how to forgive yourself first." Natasha spoke softly. "You can't grow if you let yourself stay in the same position."