the gift ⌯ am

silence

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|madison|

     I open my eyes, seeing my beautiful sister looking over the bed at me. She’s clutching onto my hand so tightly I swear it was turning purple. It might’ve been the fluids they were putting into me, but it sure as hell looks purple.

     “Hi,” I croak out, and Sabrina smiles so big. She practically jumps onto my bed, hugging me so tight I wince. She doesn’t notice though and I’m thankful for that. I can even feel her tears on my shoulder so I painfully wrap an arm around her to rub her back.

“A-Austin’s in a coma,” she lets out into my shoulder, making me completely frozen.

     Sabrina just sits in my lap crying her eyes out as I am unable to speak. My eyes are darting around the plain room in hopes I’d find Austin standing there. But no. He isn’t there and I’m alone again. Except someone is standing in the doorway.

My mom.

     I’m unable to breath now. My breath getting stuck in my throat at the sight of a sober her. She cracks a shy smile, heading over to the other side of my bed. Sabrina slides off of me, returning back to my right side. My mom stands on my left, and my eyes never leave her.

“You okay, kid?” she asks.

     I just stare at her, wanting her out of my room. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t do anything because I felt so empty.

     “Honey?” she croaks out as I just stare at her. She makes me so angry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her to get out, but I couldn’t. I’m just in shock because I need Austin. Where is he?

      “Sabrina, Debby, you should let Madison rest,” I hear the doctor speak as he comes in. Behind him is Michele, and I can see the make up that ran down her cheeks. I wonder if she blames me for this. I wonder if she thinks this is all my fault. She probably doesn’t want me around her family anymore. That’s why she came in here.

      My little sister and mom left after that and Michele just listens to the needs for me. I couldn’t look at her. I really couldn’t. I just stare down at the white sheets on top of me, and pray Austin will be okay.

I need him to be okay.

      It should’ve been me. I should’ve been the one in the coma because I wasn’t someone amazing like Austin. I didn’t offer anything. I wasn’t going to change the world like Austin was. 

      If I did help him pay attention to the road then he wouldn’t be here. I could’ve stopped this. I could’ve done something, anything to just change this. My baby is hurt because of me. All because of me.

No tears.

No screams.

No cries.

       I fell silent. Michele stands in the corner of the room now, looking at me and just crying. I couldn’t even reach out because if she hated me, I’d be okay with it. This was my fault and I wish I could take it back. I wish we never went on that stupid date. I wish I stayed home just like we usual do.

      Michele came over to me, trying to tell me how happy she is that I’m okay, and I tried to listen. I tried to believe her. But I couldn’t. She wasn’t happy nor was I. This was my fault and she tried to convince me it wasn’t. I just couldn’t speak anymore.

I just hold her hand, unable to look her in the eyes.

      I just want Austin come back. I know him. He’ll get through this right. But I’ll be long gone. I have to go back to living with my mom and Sabrina. I have to let go of him because all I do is cause him harm. I don’t want to keep getting someone I love hurt. He does so much for me. He’s my fucking gift.

He was my gift. I wasn’t his.

I never will be.