the gift ⌯ am

soft kisses

|madison|

     The four annoying boys had dragged me to a party. I didn't mind though, wanting to actually feel like a high school girl. I have to glance around, taking in the scenery. The loud music. The sweaty bodies grinding with each other. The red cups sprawled across the kitchen counter. Cheering from a nearby game of beer pong. The smell of weed from the druggies in the corner. And that group that plays truth or dare or seven minutes in heaven because they're horny. Typical.

    "You okay?" I feel a deep voice whisper in my voice, sending a shiver down my spine. I look over to find it's only Austin. He notices my fright, and just chuckles a bit down at me. I had to smile at him, loving the sound of his chuckle.

     "Fine, I just hate parties," I admit to Austin.

     "Just stick with me," Austin says, sliding his arm around my waist. He pulls me tightly to his chest, making me wrap one arm around his stomach. I am basically clutching onto his tall figure and he doesn't seem to mind. When I look up at him, I just see him smiling down at me with this look in his eyes. It makes me shiver a bit. No one has ever looked at me the way Austin does.

     Austin leads me around the party, trying to distract me from the strange smells and noises of the teens having sex upstairs. He tries to distract me with his stupid and lame jokes that I start to tease him about. He even kisses the top of my head a few times, which is quite strange for friends to do. A part of me wants to tell him to stop, but I just can't find maybe to do it.

      "Let's play truth or dare," Austin suggests, tugging me over to the horny group of teenagers.

      "Austin, I don't know..." I say, feeling hesitant about the idea. He just pulls me over seating me down next to me. I stay close to him too, watching as everyone looks at me.

     "Madi! You've finally attended a party," Ms. Popular, Kelly Clint, says. Her high pitch voice making me cringe a bit. Every guy wants to be with her. Every girl wants to be her. I, on the other hand, hate her. She's annoying, and fake. I don't have time for people like that.

     I notice Kelly's eyes scan Austin's figure next to me. He's too busy talking to Zach next to him to notice. I notice though, frowning a bit at her flirty looks at him. This certain feeling builds of inside of me. I just want to rip at her hair, or snap at her to stop looking over here. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Is this what jealousy feels like? I've never felt this kind of feeling before.

     I shift away from Austin, rubbing my arm up and down. I keep my gaze away from everyone by now, looking to my shoes. I feel Austin try to wrap his arm around my waist, but I pull away slowly. I don't want him to touch me. I don't know why I had been letting him. He's one of the hottest guys in school and he's hanging out with me. You don't understand how wrong that is.

     "Austin, truth or dare?" Kelly's best friend, Layla, asks. I look over at Austin by now, searching his hazel eyes. He glances down at me too before answering the question, "Dare."

      "I dare you to kiss Kelly!" She says, and I feel my heart break. My shoulders droop, and my eyes scan the ground for maybe a way out. I just want to get out of here. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't witness this.

      When I look back up I see Kelly smirking straight at me as if she had won some prize. It's not like Austin is mine. Austin won't ever be mine. I don't think he's really interested in me anyways. I'm just this huge problem. I'm a big pain in his ass.

      Austin doesn't even hesitate, he moves himself towards her. He moves his lips to her, and then soon they move together.

      I always wonder if Austin is a good kisser. I would find myself lying awake at night with my mind wandering to him. Most days I would think over each one of his perfect features. It's like he's physically imprinted into my mind. There's no way to get rid of him. I think of those hazel eyes, those pink lips. Those pink lips that I soon start to wonder what they would feel like on mine.

     I know not to watch, but I still do it. Austin kisses her softly, making my insides twist in ecstasy. Soft kisses. He gives soft kisses. I notice her tongue slide along his bottom lip, but by then he pulls away. By then my gaze is far away from them and towards the carpeted ground.

     I shouldn't have even come.

     I get up, deciding to find something to drink. I can feel my mouth is dry by now in shock. He just kissed her. He should be kissing me.

     No.

     My head is spinning by now. I have to place my hand on the wall to steady myself. One hand shoots straight up to clutch onto the side of my head. I shut my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing. It's too loud in here to really think, so I make my way out the front door.

     I start to walk. I don't know where, but it is away from that party. My feet were doing all the thinking since my mind is too fogged up to do it itself. I just need to get away from Austin. I'd expect to be heading towards to him, but I couldn't. I just watched as someone I care about kiss another girl. I could've just shouted it, "Austin! Don't kiss her! Kiss me!" But I was too scared. I don't have that kind of confidence.

     I shouldn't make the first move with Austin. He's big enough to make it himself if he wants me. That's really the question. Does he want me? Does he want me as much as I seem to want him? Who knew I would have developed feelings for the new boy who is a complete idiot. But he's my idiot.

      "He isn't yours," my mind hisses, and I have to sigh.

      My mind did have a point. Once again I'm in a fight with myself.

      "Madison?" I hear a voice call out. Only one person really calls me Madison so I turn my head back to see his stocky figure. He's jogging over to me with that same worried expression on his face.

     "Are you okay?" He breathes out since he's out of breath. He's desperately trying to catch it, so I just watch him. My eyes trailing over his features that I know too well. I'm so stupid for falling for him. I'm so stupid for being so vulnerable.

      "Just take me home, Austin. Please."