the gift ⌯ am

motherly talks

|madison|

     "Bye Austin," I whisper as he makes his way to his car. He glances back at me, smiling at me with that perfect smile. I have to smile back too. I watch as he steps into his car, glancing back at me once again. I wave to him, and he smiles once again. Austin always seems to be there for me even when I don't want to admit I need someone. I'm not use to this kind of attention, and I liked it.

     I shut the door, turning around to find my mom standing there. Her arms are crossed against her stomach, and I try to go around her, but she stops me. She steps in front of me, blocking my way to the stairs.

     "Mom!" I whine, still smiling like an idiot because of Austin. I want to get mad at my mom, but I can't. This smile would be on my face for the rest of the day too. There was no getting rid of it.

     "He really likes you. I can tell by the way he looks at you and I know you like him. Look at you," my mom says, laughing a bit in her words. My mom may be a drunken mess most days, but when she's sober she understands me. She sees what I miss. She states the obvious too, but I wasn't going to deny my smiles.

     I just play with my fingers as my mom continues, "You aren't dating are you?"

     "No..." I keep my voice low, and my mom sighs a bit. She pulls me into her arms, surprising me. She never did give me a lot of hugs ever since what happened. I hug her back a little hesitant. Before I realize it I can hear my mom's sobs into my neck.  I rub her back just like Austin had done for me, and it works. It soothes her instantly.

     Bless that boy.

     "I'm so sorry," she cries out into my shoulder for the first time. I can feel a huge weight be lifted off my shoulders at my mom's sincere words. I can hear the sadness in her voice and I know it is time to forgive her.

    "It's okay, mom. We all make mistakes," I admit, rubbing her back still. She cries harder into my shoulder, and for once I didn't feel like the vulnerable one. I feel like I have been doing the right thing. I never imagined my mom to even say those words, and she's a tough cookie. She wouldn't say things she didn't mean.

     "I'm willing to change. I'll go in and get help. I promise you Madison. I promise to never hurt you or Sabrina again. It's just ever since..." And then my mom cries harder, making my heart break a little bit. I just ssh her, trying to calm her down once again. We never brought up what had happened.

     Ever since my dad died from lung cancer, my mom had lost it. She started to drink away her problems. She denied the fact dad was gone, and would talk to herself as if dad was there. She'll say goodbye to all of us, including dad. She went crazy, and I had to mother Sabrina. My mom started to think it was dad who was taking care of us, but really it was me. I had to get a job at age 15, and I had to pay the bills as best as I could. My mom couldn't be sobered for long enough to do it. I would work every day of the week until recently. My mom had gotten a job at a bar, starting to accept dad was gone. But her job at the bar made her drink more. She would go home with strange men at night and I know deep down she’s a prostitute. But honestly, I was just glad I didn't have to work as hard.

     Sabrina had to be alone most days. My grandma soon saw what was happening, and started to chip in. She would help me pay the bills, but she couldn't help but feel disgusted at her daughter in law. I would be pretty disgusted too if she wasn't my mom. But that small part of me always knew she was just hurting. It's not like I wasn't, but she just handled things different. It got to the point where it spun out of control. Life was pretty tough for me up until Austin got here. I don't know where he came from or why he has this affect on me. He's like this gift I've been given.

     My mom named me Madison because it means 'the gift'. I remember her saying to me when I was about five that one day I'd be someone's gift. As in someone she meant a boy. She meant some special boy would treasure me. He would love me and take care of me. I'd be his gift.

     I remember my mom use to sing me to sleep before dad had gotten sick. She'd sing me the silliest songs and then she'd make up this fantasy life for me. She'd ramble about how I'd marry my high school sweetheart, or I'd meet some guy in college and he'd whisk me away. She was pretty realistic. She didn't sugar coat things by saying we'd ride off into the sunset. She warned me to be careful about boys. I never really have dated. I'd always kept to myself because of what had happened. The fact this happened made me irresistible to guys. I don't know what is so sexy about that. I just have been too busy to let anyone in to my chaotic life. And who would fall in love with a girl with a bunch of problems and responsibilities.

     I have kissed a boy. It's not like I'm a total loser. I'm a teenage girl. I get a little turned on. I'm not some alien with no emotions. I feel what everyone else does. I don't get why I'm such a big deal at my school. I just do what I want, and keep to myself. I don't have much to say.

     "Go to bed, mom. It's late," I whisper to her. She pulls away slowly, wiping her eyes. She nods her head at me, trying to process what had just happened. I just smile at her softly, and lead her up the stairs to her room. I go slow too, not wanting to rush her. She's seems in such a trance.

     When we arrive I lay her down on her bed. I see she is comfortable, and start to head to the door. I feel someone grab my hand though, stopping me. When I look back I see my mother with her sad blue eyes.

     "I mean it, Madison. I really want to change for Sabrina and you," she admits, rubbing her thumb across my skin.

     I smile down at her, nodding my head. By the way she looked at me I knew she was being honest. I wasn't going to doubt her. My mom is reaching out to me, and I'm not going to shut her out. I'm not like that. As much as she hurt Sabrina and me I wasn't going to dwell on it.

     See I do have a heart.