Ignite

No One Holds You Back More than Yourself

"You still sound a bit congested. Are you sure you're okay?" Dr. Hall asked.

"I am. My doctor told me it'd take a bit for my sinusitis to go away. It isn't as bad as it was, luckily. If it weren't for Lance, I probably would've ended up in the hospital at some point."

Alessandro pulled down his face mask to take a sip of his coffee. Having gotten tired of not tasting anything for over a week, he opted to put some cream and sugar in the beverage this time. He could admit that the added flavor was tasty. Nothing replaced his love for a regular cup of pure black coffee though. Or bitter bean water as Lance so eloquently called it.

The mere thought of him filled Alessandro with some conflicting emotions.

He was more than delighted that their relationship was doing well. There was some form of shift that happened while he had his fever, but he couldn't say for certain what that truly meant. What Alessandro did know though, was that he wanted to spend more and more time with Lance. Because with him, everything felt warm and simple and... normal.

Being around Lance felt normal.

It was fucking terrifying.

Alessandro didn't really know what to do with such a drastic development. He was happy—a tiny voice in his head told him everything was fine. But an even more prevalent voice told him that what he was doing was wrong. That trying to have any relationship with Lance was wrong. Opposing thoughts made everything confusing.

Those contradicting emotions were the focal point for the day's therapy session.

"On the topic of Lance," Dr. Hall added, "could you tell me how things are going with you two? I know you've been telling me at other sessions that things have been changing, but you never really said how."

"You know how things started between us. He was mean. He was rude- don't even get me started on snooty. But like I said before, those feelings were justified," Alessandro explained. "I honestly didn't expect him to take the position at my company- or for him to listen to me when I said I wanted to bury the hatchet. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that our conversation went so smoothly. I expected more- more-"

"Hostility? Anger? Resentment?"

"All of that, yeah. But for some reason, it just- it wasn't there. Lance was angry and resentful to an extent- it just wasn't the amount I was expecting. I think he was so mean in the beginning because he had been holding his anger back for so long. After we finally talked- it seemed like he was finally giving himself the chance to calm down. And I'm glad for him in that regard, but it's different for me. To be honest, part of me is upset that it was so easy—going back to being so familiar so quickly."

"Why do you feel that way?" Dr. Hall asked while writing something down.

"He didn't say it outright, but he was hinting at the fact that it wasn't going to be easy to forgive me. With the way our relationship is going though, it feels like he's starting to. And I don't like that. I don't want him to forgive me."

"Don't you think that's Lance's call to make? Whether or not he actually does so?"

"Of course it is. That isn't going to stop me from feeling guilty. I apologized, but I don't think it was enough. Sure, I got him the modeling job- which he's doing amazing at. I got him to make new friends. I got him to just enjoy life."

"Those are all good things."

"Yeah- but it still doesn't feel like it's enough. He deserves even more than that. He deserves a thousand times more than that considering what I did to him. Considering how I destroyed the man he used to be."