Ignite

Cracks in the Foundation

"You're not usually one to pace."

"I know I'm not, but I can't help it. Not today. I just- everything's- God, everything's just so messed up right now. I can't sit still."

True to Dr. Hall's commentary, Alessandro was pacing around the office. He was walking back and forth behind the comfortable yellow couch he usually sat on.

Frantic eyes darted around the room, momentarily stopping on a fresh cup of coffee. Frolicking steam made the beverage seem enticing, but the thought of having a caffeine boost certainly wasn't. His nerves were already vibrating uncontrollably; he didn't want to make it any worse.

Trembling fingers fumbled with each other—it was a needed distraction that made rampaging thoughts a little more docile.

Swarms of bees made colonies in his stomach. He could feel their tiny, scratchy little legs running up into his esophagus. Breathing comfortably was difficult. Inhales were shallow, and exhales were harsh.

Tan skin had a thin sheen covering it. Overhead lights made the natural glimmer even more noticeable.

Nothing had even been said yet, but Alessandro was already panicking.

It didn't help that Dr. Hall was writing in her notes again.

Scratching from her pen was too monotonous. Jingling from her chain bracelet was too loud. Background music from the old record player did little to assist. If anything, all of the noises just made his surroundings that much more unbearable.

He wanted to leave—he didn't want to do this today. Unfortunately for him though, Dr. Hall wasn't going to let her patient go until he spilled the beans on what exactly the problem was. Because Alessandro wasn't usually the type of person to openly show when he was feeling nervous or anxious. If he did, there was always this habit of holding back when it came to being honest about his mental state.

He wasn't even attempting to suppress his feelings in any facet. That could only mean they had been festering for too long.

"...Does any of this have to do with Lance?" Dr. Hall asked with a quiet voice.

"Of course it does. All of these conflicting emotions have to do with Lance."

Alessandro wanted to take back the statement as soon as it left his mouth. His current downward spiral wasn't anyone's fault but his own. At least, that's what he believed.

He couldn't control his thoughts or his feelings. He couldn't differentiate between what was right and what was wrong. He desperately wanted to follow his heart, but even that felt like it'd lead to destruction.

Moments like these made him understand why hiding everything away was the easier option. When things were hidden, they didn't have to be acknowledged. When things were hidden, all of his pain was kept at bay.

At the same time though, the more he buried his feelings, the harder they were to control when it was time to actually deal with them.

His metaphorical platter had gotten too full, and everything was starting to topple over.

"No- no, no- I didn't mean that," Alessandro backpedaled. "This isn't because of him. This is because of me. I'm not- he isn't- oh fuck..."

"Just breathe. It's all right. We'll figure all of this out, but you need to calm down first."

Instead of moving to sit down, fast strides were taken over to the water cooler standing by a long window. A small disposable cup was filled to its highest point.  The blue lever was still moving into its previous position by the time half of the beverage was gulped down.