Counting Paths

Chapter 35.

"I miss you so much," I whisper as I close Sterling's journal. I'm glad I found it and her photo album, I've never gotten the chance to get real, actual photos of her, but I think I should keep it where she left it for a while.

I open the bag and start to place the journal inside when a folded-up piece of notebook paper falls out. I place the journal down, pick up the paper, and unfold it.

I didn't want to write this but after almost being attacked by a mountain lion, I remember that being suicidal is not my only way to death. Death isn't fair, it has no age. I'm only thirteen years old but I can still die tomorrow.

I shudder. I cup my hand over my mouth to smoother my sob.

No funerals. I want to be cremated and my ashes to be planted with a tree somewhere in Portland, Oregon. My brother lived there half of the time and he loved it there. He wanted me to visit and travel with him, but his father never wanted me there. It's one of the reasons why he resented him so much. Anyway, I want Roland to pick a spot for my resting area, I know he will pick the right place.

And if you're reading this, then I'm so sorry. Please know I loved you. I hope I made you as happy as you made me. Whatever happened to me, it wasn't your fault.

My vision blurs with tears. My throat is on fire.

I also want Russell to make me a lantern, he will know which one I want and how to make it. I want him to make one for each member of our family and celebrate the life I've lost. No tears. I lived and in the end, I was happy so please celebrate me.

I hope I can throw away this note soon because thanks to my new family, I want to live again.

There's a gentle knock seconds before it creaks open. Frank pokes his head in. "What are you doing in here?"

I hold up her letter and say in a shaky voice, "She wanted to be cremated. She was thirteen years old and she wrote about her death more than once. Thirteen years old...she was just a kid."

He steps into the room. "You shouldn't be reading that."

"Why not?!" I growl. "She's dead and this talks about how she wanted her resting place! She wanted Russell to do something for her, but he's dead too, and now she can never, truly rest in peace, can she?! They're gone!"

"I know you're hurt-"

"I am not hurt, I am in pain, and she's gone!" I yell, rising to my feet. "My first, true sense of happiness in years, I probably wouldn't even be here right now if it wasn't for her, and she's gone now, so what the hell am I supposed to do?!"

Frank lowers his gaze to Moose. "Well, you can start with pulling your shit together. Luna and Lisi are downstairs."

# # #

"Dad!" Lisi cries, running to me. He jumps into my arms and wraps his arms around my neck tightly. Luna walks through the front door, where they were waiting before I came downstairs, and hugs me.

"How are you doing?" She asks me.

I'm so shocked to see her here, I completely ignore her question. "I don't understand, what are you doing? I thought you would've-"

"This isn't your fault, Roland. I know you did everything you could to protect her. We're not going anywhere." Her eyes well with tears. "I'm so sorry."

Almost the exact words in Sterling's letter.

"Thank you," I whisper, and she nods, reaching up to caress the back of my head.