made for you | billie eilish

24 | show my appreciation

"you okay?" lani asked me as she was checking in at the hospital.

"im supposed to be asking you that," i said.

"well you look nervous as shit," she laughed.

"i just don't know if i'm ready," i stuttered. "to- to see you like that."

"well b i told you you didn't have to com-"

"no no no," i cut her off. "i wanna be here for you. i do."

"i know," she poked her lip out, grabbing my jittery hands and squeezing them. "you're gonna be okay. because i'm okay. okay?" she rose her eyebrows at me.

god, i love her.

"okay," i nodded, taking a deep breath.

the receptionist giggled. "she's cute," she told lani.

"i know," lani giggled as we walked away.

we got to the room and i sat in a chair across from leilani while the nurses put the iv in her and all that.

"billie," lani struggled to say as she was in slight pain. "can you sing to me?"

i took a deep breath. "yeah baby, of course." i scooted my chair over to her and cupped my hands over her hands.

then i sang softly,

"I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me
And you say
As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here, but you can learn to
If I could change the way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you hear
They don't deserve you."

leilani laid her head back and cracked a smile while i sang.

i sat in there with my baby for another 2 hours. i sang to her, we played games and had deep talks about life in general.

it really made the time fly by. the nurses soon came in and unhooked her from the machine. and we were soon on our way out.

"i can't believe you were doing that alone all this time," i said to her as we got in my car.

"margie would come with me some days but yeah," she shrugged. "i gotta admit, it's better with company," she grinned at me.

"well don't worry," i started. "ill be there for the rest of them," i assured her, making her smile.

"well," she sighed. "until you leave for tour."

"hey hey," i started. "we have a little while before that. maybe you'll be in remission by then."

she chuckled. "unfortunately, it won't be that quick b."

i just made a sad face.

"it's okay," lani shook her head. "maybe i'll be in remission some time during the middle of your tour and i can join you then."

i cracked a smile. "i hope so."

while driving, my stomach started growling super fucking loud. like making the most obnoxious sounds.

"billie," lani looked at me. "have you not eaten today?"

i just sighed.

"oh cmon billie what did i tell you?" she fussed. "you don't have to not eat just because i'm around."

"but i don't want you to feel bad when you see me eat-"

"billie it's not like i struggle with eating," she explained. "chemo just takes away my appetite."

"ugh i just hate that," i shook my head.

"well on the bright side, my hair isn't falling out too badly so that's a slight dub," she shrugged. "because i am in no way ready to cut it off."