The Assistant (Matt Sturniolo)

34

He's in my thoughts, any hour of the day and he was all I could think about. I found the few minutes in the morning when I woke up reliving, but then it came back to me. All of the memories we made through texts and on couches at different hospitals. All for nothing.

I wanted to kick him out of my life, to finish the job he started, but I couldn't. I hovered over the block button on instagram, but I relented. I couldn't handle seeing another picture of them, and I thought blocking him would make it harder for me to look, but I couldn't do it. Unfollowing him didn't seem satisfying, it only reminded me of the mess of the situation.

I wanted to block her too, and I nearly did, but at times I didn't know if she did anything to hurt me. She did what I couldn't. She loved him and could call him her own. Tears ran down my cheeks at night, sometimes in the bathroom at work, or in my car.

I wanted to block his number, and to never speak to him again. But it wasn't possible to hate him. Neither was cutting off communication with him that way, because even though I knew it would be painful to keep it open, sometimes I stared at my phone, wishing. I wished he would text me and we could pick up where we left off.

I wanted more than anything to stop thinking about him, but I couldn't begin to stop, even if I tried.

The number 5 stared back at me , and so did the corner. The water fountain. It all haunted me as I stood there.

"No, I'm not doing this again" I mumbled, shaking my head and turning a corner. "I've done so good taking other routes, this isn't helping"

Walking along the hallway, I felt safe when I went into the mailroom after scanning my keycard. Taking a breath, I find the mailbox for administration as well as Sofia's. Putting the mail in one hand, I walk back on to the hallway. No matter how hard I tried to avoid courtroom number five, I feel vulnerable walking these halls. I'm anxious I'll run into him, like before.

I don't know what I would do if we ran into each other. Boston was a big place, but apparently the world hated me.  I ran my hand through my hair as I walked back.

Boston is so big I feel safer on some days than most running into him. Some days when it gets to me and thinking about him with her gets me down, I don't want to go anywhere with the fear of running into him, and maybe even her.

After stopping to use the bathroom, I reach for a paper towel to dry my hands with. Stepping into the hall again, the smell of tiling and disinfectant surrounds me.

"Come on now!" A voice laughed behind me, on the other end of the hallway.

I almost turned around at how loud they were talking, but then my thoughts were pulled away by the next voice.

"I'm serious, it's a true story" the voice laughed. My mind turned to fog at the sound of their voice, but I stop myself there and get on the first elevator. "How can you not believe me, I-" his words stop there as the doors close.

I take a deep breath, steadying myself. I rested my head on the wall as a cry left my lips. I want to deny it, but every bone in my body knew that voice was Matt's.

~

Sitting down on the couch, I lock eyes with the TV screen as I lay my head on Holly's lap.

"Hair" I mumble, reaching a hand back until I find hers, and lay it on my head.

"One of those days?" She asked, rubbing my head as our eyes stayed on the TV.

"One of those months"

"Did anything happen?" She asked, like she was walking on eggshells.