On the Outskirts

Eight

~Sadie~

I stood with my back to the wooden door for what was probably far too long, struggling to keep my tears in and hold everything together. None of that was supposed to come out. I'd told myself a million times over dinner to keep it up. To shove everything else to one side and just deal with it but being alone with him, the jumping ship thing just slipped off the tongue too quickly and I couldn't take it back once it was out there and he just wouldn't let it go. 

I feel like someone's dipped an ice cream soup into me, carved out anything I had inside me and now I'm just hollow. A shell of a person with too many feelings and thoughts and things I want to say and scream. Things I should have told him then. 

I tried to not be mad at him for it all after a few months. Tried telling myself that he's 18, heading off to a new city where he knew for a fact that there was about to be girls that could give him more than he could and he wanted to do the right thing. Who knows what could have happened at one of the college parties he'd no doubt end up at and what would I have preferred? Him being honest with me and ending things first, or him coming home and telling me a few months in that he'd accidentally slept with multiple people? 

I can still honestly say that I appreciate the fact Ryder was man enough to end the relationship when he needed to instead of carrying it on when his heart wasn't in it. But time and time again in my life people have showed me just how little I am worth it to them and for some reason it coming from Ryder hurt more than mom leaving did and as I found out later on, hurt more than Jay leaving me and Hallie. 

I knew coming home was going to bring back all these memories but I wasn't expecting them to be as vivid as they had been in the first few weeks and that was a fight to get through. But having Ryder here, walking around the farm, shooting me those lopsided smiles that has my stomach twisting and flipping until I feel sick, it hurts more. I can see it doesn't hurt him like its hurting me and if it's really this easy for him to look at me and not want to tear his heart out of his body like I do when I see him, I don't know if I can do it. 

Eventually, Ryder's truck pulls out of the drive. The roar of his engine fading into the distance and I gather my pieces from the hardwood floor into my arms, stuffing into something that resembles a sane person, slowly heading down the hall to see my dad sat on the stairs. 

"Thought you went to bed." 

"Thought I'd hang around." He stares at me. "That seemed to go well." 

"Splendidly. Gonna go get us friendship bracelets first thing and we'll be riding off into the sunset before you know it." Dad didn't move an inch. "Don't worry about it dad." 

"No, last time I tried to not worry about you Sadie I got a call to say you were in the hospital having just had a baby and you weren't gonna be able to lift her alone for at least 6 weeks. I've been worrying about you since the day that girl was born and you spending 9 years struggling  alone without telling me anything has given me every reason to be paying close attention to what's going on now. I've spent 6 months hoping you just needed sometime to settle into this and you'd get used to not needing to do this alone anymore so you can finally do stuff for yourself." 

"I do plenty for myself." 

"Name 3 things you've done for yourself in the past 4 days that haven't included Hallie or standard personal hygiene or because Brynn forced you into it."  He stared at me, slowly standing up from his spot because he knew too damn well I couldn't give him anything not only from the past 4 days but the past 10 years. "I haven't seen you laugh as hard as you did tonight in years Sadie. Why are you being so damn stubborn about him?" 

"Why is everyone so damn focused on my relationship with Ryder?" Dad straightened his back, shoving one hand into his front pocket when I pushed past him onto the stairs. "It's no one elses business what happened between me and him but I can assure you now, you won't need to be chasing him off the property with the shot gun again. He ended things Dad. He broke it off, went to college and the fact that we're both back in the same place at the same time doesn't mean a damn thing. We're done. It's as simple as that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go check on my daughter." 

The last time I stormed up these stairs I'm pretty sure it was about me breaking curfew or something stupid and yet right now I'm right back to being a teenager getting a disapproving eyebrow from her father for having a little too much attitude. When I push my old bedroom door closed behind me, Hallie's eyes flutter open, wincing at the minimal light coming through the cracks around the door. 

"Mama?" 

"I'm here baby." I unbutton my jeans, dropping them to the floor before crawling into the bed beside her, tugging her into my arms gently. I used to wrap us up like this back when her feet barely reached my stomach. With every passing day it's like those days are getting further and further out of reach. "Bad dream?" She shakes her head and nuzzles into me. 

"Did Ryder go home?" 

"Yeah." 

"I like him." She whispers quietly. "He makes you smile really big." I press a kiss to the top of her head. "Mama?" 

"Shh, sleep time." 

"Is Ryder my dad?" Hallie reaches into my chest, removes my heart and tosses it into the sun. 

"No baby." 

"Then where is my dad?" I sigh, rubbing my thumb in small circles on her lower back, a tiny trick that knocks her out so quickly. This isn't a conversation I want to have for the first time right now. 

"I wish I could tell you sweetheart. Now go to sleep. It's way past your bedtime and if you want to go to that dance camp you need to be rested." 

"I can go?!" She almost butts her head into mine as she tips her head backwards to look at me. 

"Not if you don't go to sleep you can't." She grins, closing her eyes tightly. I watch her in the silence of the room. She's growing up too damn fast. She'll be 10 in a matter of weeks. Double digits but to me she's still this tiny thing that screams through all hours of the night. 

"I love you Mom. For always and always and always." I blink back my tears, pulling her in tighter and kissing her forehead harder. 

"I love you too Hal. Forever and ever and ever."