On the Outskirts

Twenty Five

~Sadie~

I felt sick. 

It'd been hours since we got here and sure, Hallie was fine. She was laughing and other than being tired with a drip attached to her arm to flush everything out, she was okay. I wasn't. I'd left him with her for a few hours. He knew. I told him and he knew that it was a severe allergy and the fact he just disregarded it that easily and put her life at risk, not even ask Hallie about it because fuck me we'd done so much looking into it together so she knew the ins and outs and it wasn't scary for her. She wasn't phased by any of it because we were so chill about it. He could have asked her and she'd have been able to remember her last reaction to the smallest peanut butter and how it landed her with a 4 day stay in hospital. 

"Mama?" My heart melts when she calls me that, squeezing my hand a little tighter. "I'm okay." I can feel the tears threatening to spill over as she moves up in the bed to make room for me and I squeeze in, wrapping her up in me carefully only to push her teddy between us both. 

"I know you are baby." The past week has been from hell. The anxiety that's been sat on my chest is damn heavy and it just isn't going away. I knew when I moved back down here that me and Hallie couldn't have our little bubble to ourselves anymore but I had never expected it to be burst like this. I wanted to stretch it. Welcome people in and know that my girl was safe with them. All it had taken was one more of my fucked up wrong moves to land her back in a hospital bed. She nuzzles into my chest, squeezing me as tight as her frail body can manage before lifting her head back to look at me. 

"Where did Ryder go?" 

"Uh-" I sniff, swallowing my tears before they spill out. "He went with Pops to get snacks and coffee." She nods slowly. "How are you feeling? How was dinner?" 

"It was fine." Hallie looked down at the space between us. "He brought Sarah. I don't like her." I pressed my lips together. Not my place to say anything. "She doesn't like you either. She told me you beat her up when you were kids." 

"She deserved it." 

"She also said you and auntie Brynn egged her house. Twice." 

"You should have seen the look on her face when one hit her on the head. She screamed like Regine George in Mean Girls." Hallie giggled. "It was very funny. But I do not condone my behaviour when I was a kid and you will not be egging anyone's house." 

"Not even Sarah's?" 

"No, I'll leave that to Brynn, Erin and Fallon when they hear what she did." 

"And Ryder?" 

"Hm?" 

"And Ryder will go with them. He was super mad and Sarah and Jay." I nodded, slowly exhaling. "I don't think I like Jay." 

"Why not?" Hallie looked back down at her stuffed bunny, pulling at it's ears and I decided now was the right time to discuss this just because she'd brought it up. "Hal, you know this is your decision to make right? It has nothing to do with if me and Jay are friends or not. He's your father but if you don't want to see him, no one is going to make you. At the same time, if you do want him in your life baby, I will do everything I can to make it happen. I'm here for you to talk to like I always am. Your feelings and opinions matter." She looks up at me with these huge sad eyes and I shoot her a sad smile. "Wanna tell me why you don't like him?" 

"He just doesn't seem nice." I tilted my head at her. "He wasn't nice to the waitress and sent his food back 3 times for silly reasons. He told me all about his job and where he lives in Montrose and I know where it is. It's opposite the park you took me to every night after school, the one at the end of our block. He was that close all this time. We knocked on his door at Halloween and I knew I recognised his face from somewhere. But we were right there and he didn't want me then. And he has all this money mom. He was telling me about taking Sarah to Europe in summer and him having 2 houses. 2! And I know how hard you tried to keep our one apartment when he had 2 and he didn't care." I kept my mouth shut as Hallie rolled off all the things she'd picked up on that I didn't even realise she'd noticed. I hadn't ever told her about us struggling back in Montrose and I did everything in my power to keep the house warm and lit and food in her stomach and make it fun so she'd never realise any different. 

"But then I went to the toilet and they didn't know I was coming back and they were talking about how you were a bad mom for not telling him about moving down here and that Ryder is a bad guy and dangerous and a creep for spending time with me but I love Ryder like- like-" 

"Like a dad?" Hallie nods, hard and fast. 

"Like a dad and I was so angry. I sat down and told them about the hurricane and Storm and coloring and the picnics we all took with Ryder over summer and I know it made them mad and then I made them take me to the park because I knew it was cold and they'd be freezing." I bit my cheek to stop myself from laughing because of course, she's picked up on the passive aggressive small town payback this quickly. "Sarah gave me the mix and Jay said it was fine but Ryder knew as soon as I showed him and he was so mad. I could see it mom. He was so mad but he was so gentle and he knew what to do and he made sure I was okay." 

"Ryder's good like that." Hallie nods. 

"Jay hasn't been like a dad, but Ryder has. And Ryder said to Jay that being a dad isn't about blood."

"It isn't necessarily." Hallie stared at me. "Being your parent is a privilege Hallie. It's a job I wouldn't trade anything in the world for and you deserve to have a dad that feels the same. I love Ryder and I know he loves you. But at the same time, Jay hasn't done this before. Being a parent is new to him, he's never been around kids, it's all new to him and I want you to make a decision you're not going to regret in 5 years time." 

"But Ryder hasn't done it before either." 

"Very true." I nod slowly. "But Ryder also had time to adjust to you being here." 

"So you think I should give Jay another chance?" 

"I do, yes. I want you to be sure that it's the right decision. If that means that you need to tell him off for being rude to people you love, if you need to be mad at him for not being around when you were younger, if you need to scream and shout at him, I'm not going to stop you telling him exactly how you feel. But you can't not let him know how you feel. It's a hard lesson to learn if you don't get used to doing it right away."  Hallie sighed. "Me and Ryder are always going to be here Hals. I can't promise the same from him. Take your time to get answers you might want, to really know him. Because as mad as you are at him right now, when you're 15 and want him instead of me and Ryder, I can't guarantee his door will be open for you like it is now."