On the Outskirts

Twenty Six

~Sadie~

"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" I'd told everyone me and Hal needed a few days. Just the two of us. Because the second we got home and it was just me and her, she went on a screaming rampage that ended in us both screaming and shouting and breaking down into tears behind slammed bedroom doors. It'd been too much for both of us. She was beyond confused about everything and I was very aware of how quickly she'd become attached to the idea of calling Ryder her dad. 

I love Ryder. I really do and the relationship he's built with Hallie warms my heart. But there's something telling me this is too much too fast. That Ryder's going to run soon enough and I'm going to be left to clean up the mess I knew was going to happen eventually. The anxiety in my chest was sitting too damn heavy and I needed to give us both some space. Not to stop everything all together. That was the last thing I needed but to just do something to stop her clinging to this idea that he's going to be her forever. 

"Hallie's going to continue seeing Jay." Ryder stared at me from across the ranch living room. "I made a point that he doesn't exactly know what he's doing and that I think Hallie should give him a real chance to know her before she cuts the ties because once she does-" 

"You're kidding, right?" Ryder pulled the hat off his head, tossing it onto the sofa. "Please tell me you're joking Sade because this is a little insane. He tried to kill her." 

"I gave him a lot of information at once Ryder and it's not exactly like I haven't done something similar." He tipped his head back, seemingly exasperated by the conversation that in reality, had nothing to do with him. "At least 3 times after her diagnosis we ended up in hospital because I didn't check things close enough or I gave her something I thought would be okay when it wasn't. It's just one of those things. Cross contamination-" 

"This wasn't cross contamination Sadie! He handed her something he knew could kill her and didn't even care!" 

"He forgot! He's human. People forget things." Ryder stared at me, slowly shaking his head. "I'm not defending him. I can't stand him as much as the next guy and you know that better than anyone." 

"Do I? Because right now it seems like your making excuses for the way he's being with Hallie. You said he literally sat there and called me a fucking pervert with Hallie right behind him." I wiped a hand down my face. "He's fucking pathetic Sadie and you're trying to push a relationship with him onto her-" 

"I am not!" 

"Yes you are Sades. She's said she doesn't like him. Leave it at that." 

"And then what Ryder? In 10 years when she wants him in her life because she doesn't understand what an ass he is have her blame me for not trying hard enough? Because that is exactly how that goes. She's fucking 10 Ryder. She still believes a tooth fairy is going to come and take her teeth in the middle of the night and that- that a giant  8 foot tall bunny leaves chocolate eggs for her at easter. She doesn't know a damn thing and when she's older, and she just remembers one singular incident of her dad forgetting something and her mom instantly shutting her out, it's gonna be me that's the bad guy. It's going to be me that ends up shut out of her life for not trying to give her what she needs." 

"She needs her mom to do what's best for her!" I stop dead, almost about to fight back at him but as his words sink deeper into my chest it breaks me. He doesn't think this is for the best. He doesn't think I'm doing this for her because he's too clouded with anger towards a guy he doesn't even know. I hate Jay for what he put me through but this isn't about me and him. It's not about Ryder and Jay or me and Jay or even me and Hallie. This is me trying to find a way around this. And I'm hoping and praying that Jay steps the fuck up and can be a good dad to Hallie because she deserves to not feel like she's not good enough for him like she currently does. 

"She's my daughter Ryder. We might be in a relationship but that doesn't mean you know what's best for her when you've known her all of 6 months. I set boundaries to slow down her getting attached to you and when she caught us at Christmas I forgot about them but this has gone too far." 

"What are you saying Sadie?" I swallow all the emotions threatening to spill over. Trying to bypass the stone lodging itself in my throat as I take a deep breath. 

"I'm saying we need to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation and I need some space to do that. I love you Ryder and I love the relationship with Hallie but for 6 months I've let my attention slip off her and I've missed things I should have seen and whilst I figure out this whole thing with her and her dad and work out how to support her through it - I think we-" 

"Should break up." Ryder finishes my sentence and almost laughs before biting down on his tongue. "What are you wanting to get out of this Sadie? Hm? Run off with him and play happy families back in Montrose? Have another couple kids -" 

"This has got nothing to do with Jay. I can't-" 

"Stand the guy. Yeah. You keep saying. And yet you're breaking up a relationship that makes you happy, makes your daughter happy all because of him. So either he has something to do with it, or you're ruining your own happiness, again. But it's fine Sadie. Take your space Sunflower, work it out, whatever the fuck you need to do-" He snatched his hat off the sofa, turning and walking to the front door and practically pulling it off it's hinges as he threw it open. "Don't come crying to me when it fucking back fires though." The door slammed shut behind him and the mixture of rage and pain stabs straight into my chest as I run to the door and pull it open. 

"I'm doing what's best for her." Ryder turned around from the bottom of the stairs, covering the space between us in 3 long strides. 

"And when are you going to do what's best for you Sadie? All you ever do is what's best for Hallie and push your own wants and needs to the bottom of the pile and let it hurt everyone else in the process. I know you're going through it right now Sadie and I promised you when this started that we'd take it at whatever pace you were comfortable with so if you need us to take some space so you can work it out. Fine. But you know as well as I did that what's best for Hallie is us. Me, you and her are what's best for her Sadie and when you realise that, I'll be around."  I watched Ryder storm across the yard, climb into his truck and slam the door before driving off. The second he was out of sight, my knees gave out from under me and I fell to the floor of the front porch and sobbed harder than I have in years.