Faceless {:Watty 2013:}

Reality Sucks

Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace. You can help me. You can open for me the portals of death's house, for love is always with you, and love is stronger than death.

~ Oscar Wilde

I looked at the white ceiling. My mind was blank, only replaying the death of Alex. I felt numb, a whole punched through my chest, my heart laying in fragments beneath my ribs. I looked to his side of the bed, his scent clouding around me, fading. All my tears were gone, my eyes swollen and dry. My voice cracked and being lost once again. Despair hung heavy over my head. Unconsciously, my fingers swirled over the wounds I left last night, patterns coming from my fingers.

When the pack recovered me from darkness, I locked myself in our room, feeling closer to him than I could ever be again. I found a razor I hid, I kept it with me. When I was younger I couldn't handle some of the things that had happened to me. I cried at night, wishing for it all to end, for me to end. I used to take the razor to my wrist and beg god to give me strength and to forgive me. I would slit myself open, begging for death like there was no tomorrow. And sometimes I was close. Last night, I did the same. I begged for death. I wanted to be with Alex. I was slowly dying inside, being away from him, having him gone forever, it was unbearable.

But My skin healed. Over and over again, I tried. But it was impossible. My inhuman strength and healing ability, prevented me from being able to join that man and wolf that was meant for me. We were together, we were one, mates. And now... Alex no longer exists.

I sat up, no longer being able to lie down. I looked to the window, the tears of angles gathered there, kissing the window and frosting it over. I watched as one rain drop slowly slid over the glass, binging down others with it. It splashed against the bricks of the house, ending its journey. A soft knock sounded from the door, Alex's mom, poked her head in, her eyes swollen and broken. "You have to go to school sweetheart." She whispered. I looked away.

I heard the door close, cutting me off from the outside world. Me and Alex had gone to school maybe once, and now I was forced to go. I couldn't miss anymore days, or I face expulsion. My feet moved numbly over the carpet, shuffling over to the closet, I pulled on the grey skinny jeans and a black t-shirt of Alex's. His scent swirled around me. I felt safe and secure wrapped up in it. My frozen fingers shakily pulled on my knee high converse Jessie got me voluntarily. I walked out the door, my straight hair hanging down my back, reaching to my lower back. I grabbed my back pack, and silently, with out a word, slipped out of the house unnoticed.

My walk was silent, even my steps couldn't be heard. The was no songs from the birds, no bees, and no flowers. Everything seemed to die. Nothing looked beautiful anymore. the world was stuck in black and white, beauty leeched away, along with my happiness. As I arrived at school, people stared at me whispering. I realized I had forgotten my hood. No one has ever seen my face, but now...

I shrugged, walking into the school. I went to my locker. I numbly put my stuff away, not caring if I took all the time in the world. I walked to class, hour after hour spent with me longing for death, but death never showing his face. I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, the hallway was crouded, and teenagers passing by watched as I turned to face Candice. She looked me up and down, a cruel smile paying upon her lips as she took in my face. She flipped her chocolate brown hair behind her. "So This must be the face of Alice the mute." She teased.

I looked at her with a blank face, showing no emotion, I felt none. She snorted rolling her eyes, "Well I told everyone not to expect much, and guess what? I was right. Your just as ugly and pathetic as I imagined. Aww, what ya gonna do, walk away you mute. No wonder Alex left. He wouldn't want to be seen with someone so heartless and silent. Where did he go Alice? Huh? Where's Al-" She didn't get to finish her sentence.

My fist connected with her nose, so damn hard and fast, but I felt nothing. Just the slick feeling of her blood on my knuckles. She gasped, blood slowly gushing through her fingers as she held her now crooked nose. Everyone was crowed around us now, mouths hanging open. Jaws hit the floor at my next move.

"Do you want to die, you bitch? I am so sick and tired of your crap. The only reason you bully me is because, your sadistic boring life is so pathetic you have nothing better to do. I was hurt, and all of you judged me wrong, no one helped me, no one!" I yelled, anger and hurt bubbling through me, boiling my blood, making it run through my veins hot. "Alex was the only one who cared and loved me. So you shut up bitch! No one can love the village bicycle! Everyone's had a ride, you were for rental." I spit on the ground, my voice echoing around the school. Everyone's eyes were lowered, I held my chin high as I turned around, walking away.

"You fucking whore!" I heard a screech as I was pulled to a stop. My first instinct, I pulled my arm from her grip, twisting around gracefully, my foot connecting with her stomach. The air whooshed out of her, leaving her with blood on her face, bent over and holding her stomach. I grabbed her shoulders, slamming her into lockers, leaving dent in them. Big dents.

"You touch me again, you talk about me again, if so much as speak his name again, I will make your life a living hell. Do I make myself clear?" She didn't respond, only looked at me with fear in her eyes. I growled at her not obeying me, my wolf clawing to be free. I clenched my hand over her shoulder, I felt the weak bone beneath the skin, I could easily brake it, I would love to hear her scream. Scream for mercy. "Do I make myself clear?" I asked again, my voice dangerously low  and threatening, holding power I didn't realize I could weild.

"She nodded her head, "Crystal." She choked, tears forming in her eyes, she winced away from me as I let go, and reluctantly walked away.

I spent my next hour in the bathroom. My tears landing in the sink, washing down the white bowl as I looked in the mirror. I could feel my walls breaking, falling, crumbling. I was losing strength, and fight. My only safty, my only hope was gone. He was here with me in one minute, and laying in my arms, broken and dying the next. I furiosly wioed the tears from my eyes. oulling myself away from the mirror and walked out the bathroom, as the final bell rang, dignaling that school was over.

Everyone avoided me, going out of their way to stay slear of me. No one bothered me, and for that I was greatful. I felt a pang in my chest, as I walked home... alone. I looked to my old house, a shiny silver car, my dads, parked in the drive way. My wolf growled with feruiosity. Anger bubbled up inside of me, as I remembered how I lived in fear in that house, how I died in that house. How my father, my own father... murdered me.

Everything was making me angry. I wanted to hurt- no, kill something. I walked towards the house. And I knew exactly what would end my bloodlust.

I was almost towards the door, when I felt something click in my head. Pain radiated through me, but not enough to make me scream. I didn't think, I just ran. I bolted behind my old house, my wolf taking over,, after I was able to strip my clothes off. I liked them too much.

With the stuff in my mouth, my oaws rushed over the dirt and grass, splashing in puddles. My eyes darting from one place to another,my paws jumping over rocks and logs with extream care and grace. Wat was happening?! I felt a whine build up as I fell to my side, my things dropping to the ground, joining me as I lay panting, shifting from human, then back to wolf, and human again. I felt as if I was stuck between wolf and human, switching back and forth, exerting more and more enrgy that I did not have.

My brain felt fuzzy, thoughts coming back to me and dissapearing again. I felt lost and I had no control over this.

Words.

Sentences.

Images.

They all flashed before my eyes. Like a black and white movie fast forwarded, no sound, just the endless movement of things I couldn't get a grip over. Is this death coming for me? I remembered how I begged for death, but now...

I didn't want to go. Something was holding me down here. Something good.

And I didn't want to leave anymore.