Secret Life Of A Second Wife

Two parts of faith.

There are approximately 479,623 words in the English dictionary and still none of them can describe the feeling you get inside your heart when you know the man you love is in someone elses arms.

You would think that with time, it gets easier ... that the numbness goes away and it heals without scarring... but it doesn't. It never gets easier.

Yes, it becomes bearable; it becomes a part of who you are and what you have to force yourself to deal with... It becomes recurring, but not remotely easier.

I find myself constantly on edge, distracted, slightly snappy and even a little distraught every time the thought merely crosses my mind. After over a year of being in this secret relationship with Ridwaan, my nights are a series of feelings and emotions that I can't put into words.

To say that I pine or yearn for the same kind of love is an understatement. I achefor more hours. More days. More moments by his side.

I have learnt, or rather i have thought myself, how to deal with the absence of his affection. I have never wanted to trade places with her, no, I have only wanted to also be able to find solace and security from a life with him.

Even though the faith I have in myself often falters, the love and I have for Ridwaan never does.

Without his constant reassurance and support, I would never have made it this far. I would never have been able to overcome the conflict and insecurity that I have felt every day of being away from him.

The term 'Sabr' is used to describe patience or endurance in Islam. It is one of the two parts of faith, the other being 'Shukr' , meaning thankfulness and gratitude.

These expressions are generally used together, because the one supports the other.

Just like Ridwaan and i.

I know that our choice of lifestyle might not be one that society or our small muslim community will understand.

But he and i, we are two parts that depend on eachother. Neither one can stand without the support of the other. And I have faith, so much faith, that these nights that never seem to end... these days that waste away as I wait for him... will all be worth it.

Until then, until we become one, the hardest battle to fight, will be the one inside myself.