[p o e t r y]

Control vs Love

After you've been
In a toxic relationship
For long enough
It's hard to tell
What is love
And what is control

Tonight my friend told me
"I forbid you from drinking
That coffee. It's too late."
So I drank it
Because I couldn't tell if
They were controlling me
By forbidding me
Or if they were showing me love
By making caring suggestions

I have many days like this
Some days it's worse than others
Many days I barely even notice
My fears
They're passing quickly
I'm growing
And yet,
There are still moments
When my heart clinches
For fear of being controlled
And my breathing quickens
For fear of loving someone
Vulnerably

Know this
If you talk to me often
Know that I talk to you
Intentionally
Know that I love you a lot
Because it scares me
More than you know
To talk often enough
For people to love and count on me

I still haven't figured out
The difference between
Loved ones counting on me
And depending on me
So give me grace
And know I love you
Because attention isn't
Always easy for me to give

Know that if I open up to you
And not just to strangers
On the internet
(As I am now)
You mean something to me
Please listen to me
Take note of what I voice
It's almost always more important
Than I make it out to be

So please
If you know how to heal
Faster
Better
More lovingly
Let me know
Because I am doing well
But I would love to love
Even better than I do
Without any fear
Without any hearts clinching
Without any quickened breaths

I just want to love
Vulnerably
Deeply
Genuinely
So know this:
I am growing
I am loving
And I am open to be loved

Just be patient
With me
Because I'm still figuring out
The difference between
Control
And
Love

(08/27/19)