the outsiders | imagines

Broken Glass pt.1 | The Gang

I'd let them pass me around like a cigarette :)

Numb.

I felt like two different people.
Two different personalities that battled each other and were forced to share a body.

The front I put up to hide the battle within
was quite believable.
No one was able to see through it.
Not even I could see through it sometimes.

Hanging out with the boys was an escape usually from the mental unstableness I had. But sometimes when I focus on something too long like a crack in the paint or a crumb on the floor, I'd fall into a rabbit hole. My mind would revolve around biological family and how they treat me, all the shit I've done to my body and how i continued to do it anyways.

Then it would just stop.

I would weakly breathe and process how hard it was for me to do such an easy task.

"I'm gonna get some fresh air." I whispered to no one in particular. Johnny was the only one to hear I guess. "Are you okay?" He whispered. I nodded and stood up, walking to the door. I opened it and walked out, closing the door gently behind me.

I sat at the stairs and tried to breathe.

My legs started bouncing. The stress of breathing was beating at my head. Breath trying to escape from under the lump preventing it from moving in my throat.

I rested my head in my hands and unintentionally gripped onto my hair. I shut my eyes tighter than I ever have before. I let out a shaky breathe and deeply inhaled.

Focusing on my breathing, didn't do me too good.

You're a worthless piece of shit.

All this anxiety you talk about is all in your head.

You're the reason I'm not happy.

You don't deserve love.

I wish I never had you.

"Stop..." I begged, cringing at how pitiful i sounded.

I hit my head with my palms and moved it around, trying to shake their words off. The words they had said to me, stuck to me. Their words kept ringing through my head and became sickening. They might as well have been tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.

I opened my eyes abruptly, hoping to get the words to stop. Get them out of my sight. It was dark outside, the one light source being a dim street light.

I stood up and looked forwards, not knowing what to do at this point. I made my way to the fence and lent against it.

My eyes narrowed in on the bin of empty beer bottles, most likely all with reminisce of Two Bit's spit on the top. I walked around the fence and over to the bin. I grasped one and almost immediately threw it onto the ground. Hearing it shatter reminded me of each wall my parents would break by every sentence they spoke to me.

You worthless piece of shit.

I thought, grinding my teeth at the painful memory.

You're the reason I'm not happy.

I grabbed another bottle and threw it to the ground. This became a routine. Shouting words, breaking bottles until I couldn't any more. The moments following the words my parents have said replayed as I threw each bottle.

I wish I was the bottle. Destroyed.

In a way I was the bottle.

Unable to be repaired.