Behind Your Walls

16 | teenagers in a dream

Usain Bolt runs fast - that's a fact. I don't run remotely fast - that is a fact too. Therefore, it doesn't come as a surprise to me when I end up getting squashed between human bodies when I attempt to run.

The cheers among them haven't died out yet. They roar at the top of their lungs, not caring who they are preventing from escaping or who they are about to kill for that matter.

It feels like hours have gone by when I finally manage to squeeze my way out. Panting, I get out of the door and see that the person guarding the door has dozed off. He doesn't notice me as I slip out.

My hair is a mess and I smell like garbage. It makes me gag as I cover my mouth, feeling disgusted with myself, and start walking. Flashes of the fight roam my mind. I feel numb and scared at the same time. It is like I no longer know Carter. He feels like a stranger.

Just as I am about to step out of the street and into the open road, someone grabs my arm and pulls me. My gasp gets stuck in my throat when I find my back pressed against a solid surface and a tall figure looming over me with one hand on my waist and the other pressed to the wall above my head.

Carter has changed into a black jacket and jeans. His wet hair sticks to his forehead and his breath stinks of beer. His eyes still look on alert though and that scares me more.

"Why the fuck did you follow me?" he lashes out.

I swallow a gulp as I find it harder and harder to keep my gaze on him. It is worse than the situation we were in at school today. At that time, I had at least felt confident. Now, I feel puzzled with fear — not of him but for him.

"Who said I followed you? I might have just been here for fun."

My mom will be shocked by the blatant lies which I have been telling nowadays. Out of all, this one doesn't sound even a little convincing.

"I saw you in the car. I thought you will be home once I'm gone but you fucking didn't!"

Carter's fingers on the wall above my head curl into a fist as he throws a hard punch at it. I hiss at the sound of the impact but he seems unfazed. He takes a step back and runs his fingers through his hair.

"Why did you lose?" I ask, memories of the fight taking me back to the scene.

His face momentarily carries a look of surprise but the upset look does a good job of masking it.

"I don't understand."

"Why did you lose?" I ask again, my voice louder this time.

"Exactly which part of 'I don't understand' did you not understand?" Carter says, raising an eyebrow at me.

"You lost intentionally there. You never dodged any punches even though you could have, your hits were weak and you didn't get up!"

I don't know why I want to confront him over a matter completely alien to me but I feel lighter after laying it out in the open.

He stares at me with his lips parted and his face carrying a puzzled expression.

"How...did you?" He sighs, giving up what he was about to say. He looks at his mud-stained boots and then back at me. "You shouldn't have seen that, Am. It's not for your eyes."

I do a pretty decent job of hiding my nervousness at the name 'Am'.

"It shouldn't be for your eyes either but you were there - being a part of it."

The emotions in my heart are somewhere between curiosity and daring. I can stop this conversation and forget all about what I saw but I can't. Instead, I feel bolder to continue it.

"Because it pays my Dad's bills. End of story," Carter says, his voice flat.

I take a step towards him, pulling the strap of my bag tighter over my shoulder. "What are you even doing, Carter? Does he know? Your dad?"

He doesn't say anything and I take that as a 'no'. There is a morose aura on him. Even though we are in the middle of a peculiar conversation, I feel uncertainly drawn to the fact that we are here - him and me - and he isn't driving me away. He isn't spilling out his secrets but he isn't letting me leave without answers either.

"Am..." His voice pulls me back to attention. He is closer now and as I stare at those eyes, he reaches over and puts a hand around the nape of my neck. "Am...please don't tell Dad anything. He'll be ashamed of me."

His request sounds like the request of a child who has been caught red-handed stealing food from the kitchen. With every word, we are being pulled closer and I don't know if it is him or me who is the first to move but I feel the brush of his lips against my parted ones. He closes his eyes, inhaling the air between us like he is trying to memorize this moment.

My desire to steal a kiss is strong but my self-control is probably stronger because I don't. It is just a touch but it is enough for me. I don't want to break my barriers with him for the fear that it will end up with my heart being discarded after a while. Carter isn't known for long-term relationships. His life revolves around the walls that surround him and I don't want to break them unless I know I can bear the scars behind them.

"I won't," I whisper against the warmth of his lips.

He doesn't let go of me but there is a ghost of a smile on his face as his lips press to my own. It is just a press, not a kiss because he pulls back an inch instantly. His eyes are closed but mine are focused on his. The cut on his cheek is bad but the blood has stopped dripping from it. It looks like it has been somehow tended to. It keeps my attention occupied for a long time as I think of the ways I can heal it when we reach home.

"Say no to him. Be my date to Cherry's party," he breathes, grazing my bottom lip delicately with his. "Please."

Reality is harsh. I don't like it. I wish dreams lasted longer because dreams would have given me the choice of not being human enough and just being myself, doing whatever I want to do, to be a kid for as long as I want to be. To be a good grown-up means learning to put others before yourself but I don't want to put others first.

"Yes...."

I trail off as Stephen's face comes to my mind. He didn't do anything wrong. He asked me because he is new here and he wanted a familiar face to guide him. We aren't that familiar with each other but at least I can make him feel welcome here. Want brings me closer to Carter.

"No..." I finish, humanity pulling me back.

I can't be the girl who turns her back on a friend. Even more, a friend who is the only one I have.

Carter pulls away and he doesn't look at me again as he picks his bag from where he had placed it on the ground. Silence dances around us, eating up my courage.

"Let's go home," he says and I oblige quietly.

The ride home on his bike is filled with more silence. When I hesitate to touch him, he gently guides my hands around his waist to hold on to. I let the trembles in my stomach die out by the time we reach home but the pain in my heart never eases.

We have dinner silently with Melody while Mr. Bell has his food in his room. Melody tries her best to indulge us in conversations but Carter interrupts her every time by asking for something or the other. After a while, Melody stops talking and we continue dining quietly.

"Make sure he gets that injury tended to. Don't know where he gets those," Melody says to me when I am about to retire for the night.

She gives me a smile before mouthing a 'goodnight' and disappearing to sleep.

I don't get a chance to tend to Carter's injuries though because he never shows up in the room. He instead treats his wounds in the kitchen and doesn't speak a word to me.

My eyes filled with tears, I lie in the bed and pray for sleep to take me away to an ordinary, normal life where Carter will smile at me again and we will go to a party together to be teenagers again.