Behind Your Walls

30 | eulogy

Funerals — events that make my stomach twist and mouth hurt with the effort of keeping the cries in. I have only ever been to one — my Dad's, and I always thought that the next funeral I would attend will be Grandma Sita's.

It came as a regular thought. Grandma is already a little lost after having lost her son, John Sommers, to an untimely death. Granddad has been dead for years and Grandma is all alone.

After Mom married Panther, Grandma distanced herself from us except for occasional purposes which involved me. She loves me; I am sure of that but she hates Mom, blaming her for insulting her dead son by marrying a guy like Panther.

I think of her and my family to avoid the thought of Mr. Bell, who lies in an open casket with his eyes shut. I have heard that dead people look like they are just sleeping. That's not what I feel when I place a white tulip on Mr. Bell's chest to wish him goodbye. I feel strange. The late Parker Bell doesn't look asleep.

He looks dead.

Dressed in one of Melody's twin black dresses which reach my knees, I sit between her and Carter on the first bench in the Church as the priest gives his sermon.

"Receive the Lord's blessing. The Lord bless you and watch over you..."

I steal a glance at my surroundings. The Church is empty except for us and Mark who sits far back with his arms folded across his chest, looking bored. I wonder what he is here for. I look at Carter who hasn't spoken a word ever since the legal proceedings began. Melody was finally forced to come to the light about her true relationship with Carter. Carter was startled for a moment when she revealed to the social services that she was his aunt but he recovered quickly as if he knew that the thing was bound to happen someday.

After two days of Melody running around with legal documents, Carter remaining aloof and Mr. Bell being kept iced, the funeral was fixed. Carter was ready to give a eulogy just two days after parting ways with his mother forever.

As the priest finishes his sermon and Carter is called for his eulogy, I reach for his hand and give him a squeeze. The act snaps him to attention and he looks at me with blank eyes.

'You can do this' — I mouth him and he squeezes my hand back before getting up and walking towards his father's casket.

He stands beside the casket and looks at his audience which consists of no one other than the ones who he is used to seeing daily. In his black suit, he looks so grown up. It is like he has accepted that he is on his own now and he will have to carry his burdens by himself.

"I..." He clears his throat. "Dad and I weren't as close as we appeared to be. He...it's not that he wasn't a good father. He was when time let him. His company, which he called the source of our happiness, was doing well and he would take us on outings every Sunday when he had a holiday. My Mom..."

He trails off, closes his eyes, and inhales a breath. "She loved him too until he lost everything which made him powerful and started to take his anger out on us. I don't blame him for that. He had a bad temper...something which I believe has been carried to me. I mean...I think...I just want to say that...he...he was..."

I feel the tears in his eyes but they aren't to be seen. I don't think he knows that we won't judge him if he starts to cry right here, right now. We all feel what he is going through and beside me, Melody is already sobbing.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I can't do this.

He turns to the priest and nods apologetically; the priest does the same before Carter walks back to us and lands back on his seat.

We stare at him, patiently waiting because we know what is about to come next. The boy before me is hiding too much grief underneath his hard exterior. He has too much to bear, too much weight on his shoulders which pushes him down. At this moment, he looks like he has had enough and under our watch, he finally breaks down.