Save Me

FORTYFOUR

I woke up with my head pounding and my mouth drier than a desert. I groaned and blinked a few times. I glanced beside me and Ria was sleeping peacefully next to me. I groaned, lifting the blanket over my head. After last night I am never setting foot outside again, I'm too embarrassed and ashamed. Rhydian pretty much kicked me out last night.

'He will have known you were turned on.' Aurora chuckled. 'Maybe you need to speak to someone that has had sex.' 

I groaned and tried pushing her away, 'Amaris, when it comes to sex... we are both a little clueless. I can't give you any advice or anything.' She fought against the barrier. 

'I know... Please don't say that word.' I cringed. It's not the actual word I don't like, it's the memories that are involved with it. It's almost like the word is a trigger for images to flash through my mind. The memories are tattooed into my brain and no matter what they don't leave. 

"Someone is grumpy this morning." Ria chuckled. I peered out from under the blanket and glared at her. "How's your head?" She asked, grinning at me. I shook my head and buried myself back under the blanket. "Not good, huh?" She chuckled. I groaned and she laughed. "Serves you right. Do you remember anything?" She asked, I could hear a hint of playfulness in her voice. 

"I remember everything." I moaned. She pulled the blanket from my head and smirked at me. "At least you'll get the Gamma position." I shrugged. She scoffed, "I don't think he had a choice but to agree with you." 

"Once he sees your record, he'll want you to be the Gamma." I vowed, "And not only that what is the Gamma's job?" I smirked at her. She glanced at me from the corner of her eyes, "To train the warriors and protect the Luna." She nodded. "Exactly, you're already doing the first part of the job. What better person to protect the Luna than her best friend." I winked. 

A huge smile spread across her face and she dived at me. "Woah, I'm dying here." I groaned as she wrapped herself around me. "You need to tell him you'll be his Luna." Her voice was muffled by my hair but I understood her. "Have you told him you accept him?" She pulled away and stared at me. I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth and shook my head. She rolled her eyes at me and sighed. "What are you waiting for?" She scolded, "Go get your man." She exclaimed excitedly pointing at the door. 

I shook my head, "Not yet. After he's found out about Noah, the balls in his court." I whispered. She looked at me sadly and laid back down next to me. "I understand. When are you telling him?" She questioned, staring at the ceiling. "I'm not, not exactly. I'm going to write it down for him to read." I answered. "He doesn't need to know everything, it's pretty self-explanatory what happened. He just needs to know the main thing." I mumbled. 

"He won't look at you differently, you know that right?" She claimed, turning to look at me. I shrugged and fought back the tears that were forming. "You or Aurora couldn't have stopped what happened." She whispered quietly. I nodded my head and quickly wiped the tears from my eyes. "It isn't your fault." She said sternly, linking our fingers together. 

"Waiting for your mate is like a sacred thing though." I whimpered. She shot up and turned to face me. "Amaris, you would have waited. You weren't in control." She exasperated. "It's not like he's a virgin either." She grumbled. I nodded and sat up. "I know..." I groaned. "But it doesn't matter because with Rhydian, it will be your first time and I'm pretty sure he's gonna rock your world." She stated with a wink. I chuckled and grabbed the pillow next to me and chucked it at her. 

She grabbed her phone from the nightstand and groaned. "Why are you up so early? It's like 8 am." She huffed. I chuckled and swung my legs from the bed, "I couldn't sleep." I shrugged. "Come on, we'll go eat breakfast with the pack," I announced as I went over to the door. "Why? You have a perfectly good kitchen." She laughed. 

I opened the door, "Because I have missed been around people." I stated and walked out the door heading for the bathroom.  "Well, I can't protest at that reason." She shouted after me, "I'll go get some coffee ready while you get a shower." She shouted again. 

I headed into the bathroom, went to the shower and switched it on. I did my business then brushed my teeth while I waited for the shower to heat up. I looked at myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth, I'm starting to look like the old me. The one before I had all these problems, I have colour in my cheeks and my eyes aren't as dull as they were. 

The mirror started getting foggy so I knew the shower was hot enough. I put my toothbrush down and rinsed my mouth with mouthwash before getting undressed. I stepped into the shower and let the water run over me. I leant against the shower wall and chuckled. They replaced the glass in the shower... Only they replaced it with plastic. Should just wrap my full house in bubble wrap then at least I cant damage anything I chuckled to myself. 

After I've had breakfast with the pack, I'm going to come home and write this damn letter. I need to figure out how I'm going to say it... lessen the blow so to speak. He's not going to be happy, in fact, I would probably tell everyone to stay away. I just hope he still wants me after he's read it. If he doesn't want me, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't stay here, I can't see him every day.

My breathing quickened and my heart began racing. I pressed my forehead to the wall and took long deep breaths. In and out... In and out...

'It's ok to feel like this, Amaris. It's normal. Let the feelings wash over you, don't fight it.' Aurora assured. 

I turned around and slid down onto the floor. I let the feelings in, and I wish I didn't. This pain and fear are horrible. The fear of rejection, the fear of not knowing. The pain of knowing my past could define my future. My past could be the reason, I'm not wanted. Tears welled up in my eyes and I didn't fight it, I let them fall. I shut my mind off, I tried ignoring all the thoughts that were passing through my mind.

"Are you ok?" Rhydian's asked through our link. His voice outweighed the negative thoughts and gradually my breathing calmed. I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes. 

'You did it!' Aurora praised.

"Amaris, please answer. Are you ok? I'm nearly at yours." Rhydian spoke again through the link, making me jump. 

"I'm ok. Don't worry, I haven't smashed anything or attacked anyone." I chuckled. 

"I'm not worried about any of that," Rhydian replied, sounded annoyed. 

"Sorry, wrong time to try to be funny, I'm coming to the packhouse for breakfast, meet you there?" I offered. All Alpha's eat with their pack, it shows you respect them and no one is above or below to be eating elsewhere at different times. It was one of the things I made sure my dad did. 

His laugh filled my mind and the tingling feeling happened again. I gasped and squeezed my legs together. I'm going to have to speak to Ria about this. I'm guessing it's normal, I just want to know how I can stop it. It's irritating because it turns into a dull ache that won't stop. 

"I'll be there,"  Rhydian answered. I put up a mind block, hearing his voice is just making it worse. I groaned and continued with my shower.